Doughnut Epiphany

Not far from my home the first Krispy Kream doughnut shop in our state opened up a few weeks ago. When they were building it they had a big sign out front that told you how many more days till it opened for business – a count down sign. There was an unusual amount of promotional hype about this doughnut franchise opening including many spots on the local news just as if it were a huge factory that was set to employ thousands of local workers. Anyway, since I drive right by it almost daily I've been watching the countdown sign and sort of planning a binge for a long time. I like good fresh doughnuts and thought I would have to get a dozen or two and have myself a merry time once they opened. They even have a 24-hour drive through... this Compulsive Overeater’s dream/or worst nightmare come true.

My food had been abstinent (eating healthy food in moderation) the prior 3 weeks. A very good abstinence and I felt more on track with my program of recovery than I have in a long time. However, I had also planned this doughnut binge in the back of my mind months ago. I know that doesn't sound congruous with healthy eating and recovery from an eating disorder and it's not I suppose. This is a baffling and cunning disease and I'm a long way from perfect.

My logic went something like this. I've been a recovering addict and alcoholic for over 19 years. I was particularly fond of beer. When I got clean and sober, micro-breweries and imported beers were a brand new up and coming phenomena. Before I went into treatment there were less than dozen standard American beers everyone was familiar with and I knew them all well. These were the same beers I grew up with and all I had ever known. When I got out of treatment it seemed like there were dozens of new interesting types of beer available. I was glad to be sober, but I had a heck of a time with the idea that I'd never be able to find out what all the hoopla was about regarding all these new exotic beers. I felt cheated and I mourned not being able to 'taste' those beers for a long time. This same idea has been bugging me regarding Krispy Kream doughnuts. I knew they were pretty famous in other areas and there wasn't any good doughnut shops in my area. I really couldn't envision never being able to gobble down some of these new special doughnuts. I did not want to mourn the perceived loss of these doughnuts like I did those new types of beer so many years ago.

When the Krispy Kream shop finally had its grand opening (I think it was on a Monday or maybe it was Tuesday) the local news showed cars lined up for a mile waiting to go through that drive-through and get some doughnut. They hired a bunch of off duty cops to control traffic and crowds. People were camping out in line a day ahead just to walk in and get some. They were waiting in line for hours in 100 degree heat just for those doughnuts. I thought, "those people must be nuts." After a couple of days I drove over to pick up my dozen doughnuts only to find the lines were just as long as they were the first day. I thought, "those people must be nuts." I drove back again later that night after 11 p.m. thinking surely the frantic rush would be over and the lines and crowds were still as big as ever. I thought, "people are crazy." I went home and had half a cantaloupe and figured I'd just give up on the idea and keep my abstinence. Then I woke up the next morning at about 4:30 a.m. and I must have been dreaming of doughnuts. As soon as I woke, I knew that this was my chance to get those doughnuts. I threw on my clothes, jumped in the car, and raced to the doughnut shop in the pre-morning darkness. To my amazement, there were still at least 100 cars lined up bumper to bumper. Dozens of cops with flashlights in hand were directing traffic and keeping the peace. My heart sank. No way would I wait for a couple hours in line for anything. I thought, "What in the hell is wrong with the nut-balls in this town that they all should go so nuts just for doughnuts?" "Didn't they have better things to do?" "Didn't they have lives?"

So I drove up the road another mile to a large 24-hour grocery store figuring I'd get some of their bakery's doughnuts and get this doughnut thing out of my system once and for all. It was still dark out and I was about the only person shopping in the store. I greedily walked over to their bakery department only to find their shelves nearly empty. Their bakers didn't start that early. There was only a handful of stale old stupid doughnuts from the day before, none of which looked good to me. Yet I grabbed a sack and started to fill it anyway. Then I heard this voice say, "You might as well go ahead and drink Dave." I swear it was someone beside me and not my inner voice talking. At that moment I felt suddenly very ill. I got shaky, like a panic attack. I saw a picture in my mind of this whole doughnut scenario in a flash. I was filled with... I can't really explain it. It was sort of like shame, but it was more a profound knowing -- a creepy epiphany of sorts I guess. I saw my own insanity very clearly. I remembered how I use to lie, beg, or steal, to get the drugs and alcohol I needed. I remembered taking my last two dollars and walking for six miles in a cold winter rainstorm just to buy a short-case of cheap beer when I was out of work and my car was busted. Back then I simply could not, not drink. I remembered sharing a gram of coke with a friend and holding back a couple of extra lines for myself and telling him it was all gone (actually did that sort of thing hundreds of times). I remember swearing to my boss that I had not been drinking as I was begging her for an advance on my next paycheck. And destroying a relationship with a beloved childhood friend because the kilo of pot he got me was bunk weed. I saw myself making up elaborate lies to tell my family and friends so I could squeeze a few bucks out of them to support my habits. I relived and saw all this in just a single moment in the grocery store. I rushed out leaving my empty cart by the pastry case and drove home in sort of a state of shock.

19 years of 12 Step recovery and where did I find myself? Doing the same insane compulsive types of things I did way back in the bad old days. Driven by a substance; this time sugar and fats instead of drugs and alcohol. I knew then that this was insanity and it could not go on. I hate this behavior. I hate being so out of control. I hate anything having that much control over me. I thought, “This has gotta change – I have to stop this right now.”

To this day with the grace of my higher power, I have not binged or eaten anything but very healthy natural low-fat foods in moderation. Oddly enough, I haven’t craved any junk food since that morning. I’m not exactly sure what is going on but I’ve recently decided to put off all thoughts of weight-loss surgery and see if simply eating correctly and exercising will be all I need to slowly find some physical healing and get to a healthier weight. I understand that surgery is an accepted medical procedure and for many it is necessary, but the reason I wanted to do it was more connected to the problem than the solution – part of my food and diet obsession.

Perhaps some day, I will decide weight loss surgery is my best option. For now, I feel I am finally not running on self-will in regard to food and weight loss. I really can’t explain how I got to this point, and I don’t know if the experience that morning in the grocery store was a spiritual experience or a hallucination. It doesn’t really matter to me because I am feeling better about myself than I have in the last few years.

Love, Dave