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Listening and being heard

"People don't always care how much you know, but they know how much you care by the way you listen."  ~Unknown

Most people don't know how to fully listen. Their ears work just fine and that's about all the thought they have ever given to the process of listening. It wasn't a topic they were taught in school. They have never viewed it as a "skill" that can be developed and practiced.

On the other hand, many of us don't really know what we need when we talk with someone honestly about our feelings. We can feel rather frustrated when we give our trust to someone and share our feelings and inner thinking. We aren't sure why, but we know we didn't get what we needed from sharing our feelings.

Sometimes all that we really need is to just be fully heard—listened to in a non-judgmental and caring way. We don't want to be fixed. We don't want the other person to try and make us feel better. We don't want them to be analytical, practical, or to pass judgment. We may not necessarily even want their advice. We just want to be heard and to not feel so alone with our issues. We know that by verbalizing our feelings to a trusted friend, we are well on the way to finding our own solutions. Sharing is very empowering.

So, I am suggesting that you can ask to be listened to—to tell them that you need to be fully heard. You can explain to your friend what you want from them. It is totally acceptable to tell them that you don't want any advice and that you don't want them to try to make you feel better. You can tell them that what you need from them right now, is for them to really listen to you and not to try and fix anything. That you want them to hear your story exactly as you need to tell it. That it's not a time for discussion.

Below is a poem that has been very helpful to me.

Listen to Me

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that my seem.

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen. Not talk or do – just hear me. Advice is cheap; 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept, as a simple fact, that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people, because God is mute, and God doesn’t give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I will listen to you.

  —Author Unknown

Note: I've seen this poem attributed to many people and sources as far back as 1979. Most often it's attributed to either Anonymous, or a Ray Houghton, M.D., or something vaguely resembling or rhyming with that name. If you know for certain who the author is and can cite the source, I would love to know so I can properly credit the author and include any proper copyright information. Additionally, I has seen dozens of variations of this poem. Sometimes the price of the newspapers is different. Sometimes the references to God are modified or omitted, and small grammatical changes throughout are common.

[Printable Version of poem]
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