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 Milestones - 1
4/18/03 - 7/25/03
I removed most names from these excerpts of messages that I posted to an online support list to protect other people's anonymity. This page is a sort of chronicle of my recovery from June 2004 forward.

These messages reflect my recovery from compulsive overeating and Binge Eating Disorder (BED) from the point that I first considered going to the Veteran's Hospital in April 2003 to get help. At that time, I had been a member of Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I had lost and regained around 100 pounds a couple years prior in OA, and was at my all time high weight of an estimated 450 or 460 pounds. I didn't have scales that would go that high. Please keep in mind that these messages from my early recovery may have some poor to bad nutritional advice in them and may not reflect the best options for recovery from Binge Eating Disorder. They reflect my thinking at a particular point in time. I have learned as I've progressed.

4/18/03  I'm at my all time highest weight and living in near total isolation. I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without stopping to catch my breath. I  struggle to clip my own toenails. I've gotten so big that I can barely take care of issues of personal bathroom hygiene. The simplest chores of daily living that most people take for granted have become huge challenges. My life is a real mess.

Hi All,

Something happened today and I'm not even sure what exactly it is or how to talk about it. So if this does not make any sense, chalk it up to my mental illness and let it go. I went to a 12 Step meeting today for people who are recovering from chemical dependency and mental illnesses. It's held in a veteran's center but anyone with a dual diagnosis can attend.

OK, I got to jump way back and spell out a bit of my ancient history here. I went into the Navy as soon as I turned 17. This was back in 1970 or maybe 71, I forget. I didn't go to high school and when I went in the service, I did it to leave behind the insanity of my family, my drug addictions, alcoholism, and hopelessness. I wanted a future. In effect, I tried the old geographical cure, thinking that it would change my insides and my life. To cut a long story short, when I left for the service, I took my chemical dependency and mental illness with me. I eventually got busted for drug possession. Not good when you are in the service—especially back in the early 70's. I eventually was sent home with an honorable discharge due to then President Nixon's drug amnesty program. I never went overseas or did anything dangerous... I mostly cleaned a lot of latrines and mopped a lot of floors waiting to be sent home.

I've always felt a lot of shame about this and so would never use my veteran's medical benefits because I was...  well, I felt like I didn't belong among "real" veterans who actually put their lives on the line. Just too much shame to even tell anyone about my stint in the service at all except my very closest friends.

Anyway, the new dual recovery 12 Step meeting I've been going to lately is held in a veteran's counseling center. They deal with a lot of PTSD cases there, but it's really for any kind of psychological help veterans may need. I shared about the First Step work I've been doing this week regarding my problems with food. The chairperson was a veteran and I guess just assumed that I was one too and asked me if I was getting any help from the veterans administration for my emotional issues and weight. She said that she had gotten a lot of help through them for similar things. For some reason I just blurted out the truth about my military history and how I had been so ashamed of it. One thing lead to another and she coaxed me into starting the process of getting more help up at the VA hospital. Because of my low income and that my obesity would very likely be considered a life threatening condition, she said there would probably be no problem getting the help I need—even the possibility of bariatric surgery.

Afterward, I went out in my car and burst out crying. My whole body was trembling and I pulled out of the parking lot only to pull over to the side of the road and sit for 20 minutes to compose myself. All those people were so understanding and accepting and let me know in no uncertain terms that they thought no less of me because of how I got sent home from the service, including a couple of Vietnam War veterans. Anyway, the process has been started and I'm going to see where it leads. I'm terrified and ecstatic.

The weird thing is how much it hurts when people show me any concern or care at all. There is some fundamental thing I just can't ever seem to get—probably relating way back to my abusive childhood. I just can't let anyone really get close or inside or really care. There is a level of needs that didn't get met when I was a child, that I still crave, but they terrify me so much I'd mostly rather die than admit I need anyone. I could never let anyone know that I just want to be held sometimes or nurtured just because I exist. It's as if I'm empty inside—dead inside—and I can't let anyone get close enough to really find out the truth. When something happens like what happened today, it touches that emptiness and pain and sends me reeling—feeling like running away—on emotional overload. It's such a dangerous place that I spend most of my energy protecting myself from ever having to touch it or go there. Of course this makes for major problems relating to other people and eventually destroyed every more intimate relationship I ever had.

Sorry, I know this may not make much sense. What happened today was good stuff, but my instincts to run are very high. When I left the dual recovery meeting and regained my composure, I promptly went to the store and bought food... I ate. It was the only way I knew how to deal with the feelings. The feelings of being cared about and accepted.

So I feel a lot right now, just like I did when I went into treatment for my drinking back in '84. I'm scared and I know my life is now in the process of changing in ways I can not even conceive of at this moment. I was praying to get out of my isolation mode and I guess this is the answer.

Love, Dave

Please keep in mind that these messages from my early recovery may have some poor to bad nutritional advice in them. They reflect my thinking at a particular point in time. I have learned much along the way.

5/3/03

Hi All,

Today is day four on yet another new eating plan. So far so good. This time I am doing the low carb thing with no sugar, refined flour, or any simple carbs and I'm eating 4 to 5 small meals a day to try and level out any spikes in my blood sugar levels. So far, I have had no cravings, and I'm eating smaller amounts than I use to on other eating plans... but it's only day four and frankly, my expectations are pretty low.

After several years of diets and about three years of Overeaters Anonymous, I am beginning to feel like I am running out of time. I know I am a lot healthier for my OA work but the real physical healing just hasn't come... or stayed, I guess would be more accurate. It's not like I don't understand the Steps and how 12 Step recovery works, I do. I've been clean and sober for going on two decades and owe my life to the Steps and the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. But here I am at nearly 50 years old and my obesity is now literally a life threatening health crisis.

I can't really explain why I haven't been able to maintain any weight loss over time. I have some ideas on contributing factors... I live with chronic pain and a physical disability that leaves me unable to get much real exercise and I have a set of psychiatric illnesses that are considered chronic and disabling. But even as I type that I feel partially like I am just rationalizing, engaging in self-pity, and excuse making and that I simply won't go to the lengths necessary... that I just am not working my program hard enough... which translates inside my head into calling myself a big fat failure.

This is really hard to admit. I know I can at times come across as some sort of expert on the Steps and recovery. I am a great fan of the Steps, the history of how they evolved, and their spiritual and psychological foundations and parallels. But lately I am coming to the point where I am accepting the idea that for me, the usual OA and other mutual support aids are simply not enough or simply won't get the job done. It's a mixture of both acceptance and resignation and I'm not sure I'm even close to being self-honest. The deal is, I am now seriously considering gastric bypass surgery as the main means to lose the extra weight and keeping OA and this list for ongoing support to maintain a healthy eating plan after the surgery. I feel like if I just keep going on as I have been, that my weight will contribute to my early demise long before I gain any substantial physical recovery. The quality of my life is so degraded by my obesity that it is physically and emotionally no longer tolerable. If I keep trying the same thing over and over—if I keep trying variations of the same things over and over, yet not getting the desired results, wouldn't it make sense to try something new? I don't know and I'm not sure. But I am seriously considering surgery.

I know OA can work. I see it all the time. I just feel like I'm lacking some crucial component or something. I hate that my efforts in OA serve as yet another reason to beat up on myself and feel 'less-than' and a failure. But honestly I feel like I have given it my very best shot and it just isn't good enough. No, I'm not giving up on OA or my self. I'm just considering all my options and what may be the best one for me at this time in my life.

Love, Dave

5/14/03
Hi All,

This morning I am filled with gratitude. For the support of loving friends, and for being alive in general. This morning I got a phone call telling me that I have just been approved for full medical services from the Veteran's hospital. My disability is not service connected so with tight finances they don't always do that and almost never this fast (overnight). They are appointing me a regular doctor who will follow or manage my case and I'll be able to get the help I need to deal with several long-standing health issues.

I spent all day yesterday in their emergency ward as I was experiencing some really scary symptoms. Turns out my heart is ok. They suspect I have a bad case of sleep apnea and it's making me super tired, caused some extra water to build up in my lungs, and some other stuff. Now that I've been approved they will send me through a sleep clinic and then figure out the best way to treat the sleep apnea. I still don't understand sleep apnea to well and have much research to do, but I was told that people with sleep apnea stop breathing at night. When the brain notices, we wake up for just an instant to start breathing again. This can happen hundreds of times during the night. The affected person rarely knows that they are waking up or that they are not breathing right but they never get enough deep restful sleep. Heavy people are more prone to this condition but it can happen to anyone—even kids. It can be the cause for not only extreme fatigue, but also depression, confusion, and anxiety. And it's not too good for one's heart and stuff either. Sleep apnea is a serious matter but yesterday I thought I was having serious heart problems. I was really scared. Now I feel nothing but grateful.

The doctor in emergency also told me that if they approve me for full care (and they did this morning), then when I get my health priorities taken care of they can start whittling away at other issues. Like I have ulner nerve problems that caused me to give up my guitar playing a couple of years ago. She, the doctor, said that those problems can often be repaired. I would love to start playing again as I really miss it.

I'll also be able to get full help for my psychiatric illnesses. I have long dealt with those issues without help or medications... not always successfully. I used isolation to cope when my symptoms were flaring up and that's not a good thing. Social Security/Medicare doesn't pay for meds and only a small percentage for psychiatric help so I just could not afford it. Now I will be able to get all the help I need. I am so thrilled I just had to share this good news with you all.

Love, Dave

6/17/03  I have no idea what I weigh but was probably about 450. My blood pressure is 189/103.

Hi All,

I spent a good part of the day up at the Veteran's hospital yesterday. It was a very good, but tiring experience. I now have my own primary care physician! After years of neglecting my medical issues it feels very good. I have never felt so completely looked after and my well-being so cared about anywhere. After doing a bunch more lab work and an exhaustive intake interview, she is setting me up with all kinds of appointments in various departments to take care of my many health issues including my mental health. We discussed a lot of things I didn't even think of like pain management and a nutritionist and some sort of nerve conduction test for my hand problems. She has also suggested the possibility of weight loss surgery and I am going to seriously consider that option.

She is also addressing my high blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar problems. The lab work done in the emergency last month and yesterday indicate I probably do have diabetes or what she called "pre-diabetes". I guess there are some more tests for that, but in the mean time she sent me home with a bunch of new medications, a very cool electronic blood pressure monitor thingy that pumps itself up and registers everything on an electronic readout, and a stack of information I have yet to read through about all these different issues.

I am very grateful for the V.A., my 12 Step group and the members there that are veterans who pointed me in the right direction, Special loving friends in my life like _______ who... well, you all know how special she is, and I'm really grateful for this support group. I may not share that often but reading every day and knowing that what I feel and go through isn't all that unique makes me feel like I am part of the human race and essentially OK.

So basically I have a lot of good going on in my life. A very strange thing to say and feel because physically I feel overwhelming fatigue and emotionally I am having a lot of problems related mostly I suppose, to sleep deprivation. I've been in a very vulnerable space in terms of my psychiatric illnesses and depression... hanging onto sanity by just the tips of my fingernails. Just getting to the VA yesterday was a major undertaking. But I am also feeling more optimism than I have in ages. I think mostly because I have taken some action steps that have allowed me to feel "unstuck". That didn't happen till I got back into going to face to face 12 Step meetings. That was the real action step for me. From that point on it seems to be building momentum.

Love, Dave

6/26/03

Hi _________,

Thanks for sharing. I was very touched by your message, particularly about the feelings stemming from un-isolating. I've been in the process of breaking my cycle of isolation lately, both physical and emotional isolation. It is curious that at each stage of getting out of that trap, I have had to face the realities of my life in new and often brutally honest ways. Not only the realities of my physical self, but my emotional and spiritual self, even (gulp!) my neediness. And yes, it often feels humiliating to be more visible and the more visible I am the more vulnerable I feel, the more vulnerable I feel the more I want to go back and seek the comfort of food and isolation. I'm finding it's not only because of my physical size, but because of where I am at emotionally due to my compulsive overeating and associated isolation.

I have to remind myself every day to keep taking steps foreword as best I can no matter how small and irregardless of any setbacks or mistakes I make along the way.

I hear a lot of hope and courage in what you shared and that helped me today. Thanks.

Love, Dave

7/4/03  My blood pressure is now 164/89 with medications

Hi All,

I hope everyone has a happy and safe 4th of July weekend!

My food has been pretty good recently but not perfect. I have been able though to stick to healthy choices and not binge but some days I simply eat too much. Usually at my evening meal. Doing without junk food and eating only real food helps improve the quality of my life greatly.

I've been spending a lot of time at the Veteran's hospital lately getting all manner of testing done. Many of the tests are part of the pre-op tests required in advance of bariatric surgery. I still haven't fully made up my mind about this but my doctor says I am a good candidate and I am leaning that way. And no, I can't really reconcile this drastic option with my OA program. I'm still having some problems with that issue, but due to the combination of physical problems I have, which include a mobility impairment, it is considered the best medical option.

My doctor has started me on antidepressants and scheduled an appointment for the 18th with VA mental health where I will have an intake interview with a psychiatrist and see what other help or programs they have that might be helpful. They are experts on PTSD at the VA so I feel very optimistic. Psychiatrists in the past have treated me for depression, anxiety and panic attacks but I've never been through any programs specifically for PTSD.

I am still working step by step at getting and keeping myself out of isolation. This includes going to more 12 Step meetings, many trips to the VA hospital, and little things like not avoiding neighbors and friends. I also quit doing my shopping way late at night at a 24 hour grocery store. Not only was it a way of hiding from the world, it was a horrible trigger for buying junk food. The other side of this is that I feel like I am constantly fighting off a panic attack. It's very tiring.

All in all I think my life is going in the right direction. I can't know what the future holds but I'll be damned if I'm going to spend it alone, hiding out in my house, dying from this horrible eating disorder.

Love, Dave

7/10/03 – Started exercising on a treadmill. I could only do 5  minutes at 1.5 miles per hour. Started getting mostly successful with eating plan. Could actually feel some weight loss and see it. Watch band looser and shirts not stretched as tight.

7/16/03

Hi All,

I haven't written much lately so thought I'd at least do a check in. My carpel tunnel/ulner nerve stuff is acting up lately so I'm not doing a lot of typing. My food has been good the last few days. I've finally done something that I've long wanted to do but... well, I guess it was/is part of my disordered eating so it took me ages to finally get to the point of doing it. I've thrown out all my table salt and the various seasonings I had that were mostly salt. I'm finding to my surprise that I don't really miss adding salt to things and my blood pressure is happy about it too.

I'm still spending one or two days every week up at the veterans hospital getting test after test. I'm finding out that I'm healthier than I feel or thought I might be. I think I started the process of digging myself out of isolation and taking care of myself before it was too late. I am really grateful.

Love, Dave

7/19/03

Hi _________,

When you are done doing what you have to do this weekend with the food, please forgive yourself, pick up whatever recovery tools you need from your toolkit, and move on.

I've been thinking lately about an old A.A. saying and I think it really applies to compulsive eating disorders too. The saying goes something like, "Once you come to A.A. and learn even a little about recovery, you will never be able to drink the same again." I'm thinking that O.A. is a lot the same. Once I tried O.A., binging began feeling more like part of the problem to me rather than part of a solution to dealing with my feelings and life issues.

After all the fad/yo-yo diets and gimmicks, I tried and learned a lot in O.A.. At that point I started to get a handle on what was really going on with me and my eating. Even though I haven't had good long-term weight loss yet, it has gotten harder and harder to binge and easier and easier to eat in a healthy way. I use to enjoy a good binge and nowadays any feeling of enjoyment is ultra transitory. The good feeling only lasts into the first few bites and then I realize the garbage I bought to eat just isn't filling the right void and it's not working, and it does not taste anywhere near as wonderful as I had imagined.

My eating overall is a lot healthier than it ever use to be. I separate the ideas of weight loss and physical healing because I believe a person can heal a lot physically without necessarily losing much extra fat tissue. For instance, my cholesterol levels have improved dramatically and my digestive system works a whole lot better now. I no longer have to deal with acid reflux problems at night. I'm sure that taken in the larger view, the overall positive changes in my diet, even combined with the occasional binge or lapse in abstinence, have begun to give my body real nutrition and the fuel that my cells need to function and regenerate properly. I use to fill up on empty carbs, sugar, grease, and sodium that could not possibly allow my body and brain to function very well. I may still be fat but I am not a failure. I've made progress even though my weight has gone down and up again and my eating is not perfect.

I think we need to acknowledge even our small successes or the disease will magnify our guilt and blind us to the believable hope that is built into the O.A. program and eating plans like W.W. I know that when I lose sight of hope, I can easily give in to my disease and once I give in, getting back on track can be difficult. I don't mean to sound preachy -- I am saying this as much for myself as anyone else because I have only a few days of healthy eating (one more time again) and it's the weekend.

Love, Dave

Please keep in mind that these messages from my early recovery may have some poor to bad nutritional advice in them. They reflect my thinking at a particular point in time. I have learned much along the way.

7/25/03  My blood pressure is averaging 145/82.

Hi All,

It feels so good to be back on track with my eating. I forget what day this is but it's probably about day 10 or 12. My head feels clearer. My body feels much more flexible. My energy levels are higher every day. My pain levels are lower every day. I am no longer waking up every morning with a headache. My depression is lifting—in fact, this morning I feel pretty happy and optimistic.

I've finally started eating breakfast. I've tried and tried in the past but when I eat breakfast I end up with cravings or feel sluggish and often even nauseous. Now, I've started eating blender shakes in the morning. I put in a scoop of soy protein powder, about a quarter cup of uncooked rolled oats, some fresh flaxseed, some plain low fat yogurt with live whatever they are, and some fruit or a banana for flavor and mix it till it's like a milkshake. I usually have to add a little water to make it liquid enough to drink. Each day I do it slightly differently. This morning I used some fresh apricots. Yum! And healthy too. I've found I tolerate this well and the extra protein, I hope, will help get my metabolism turned up a notch or two.

Day before yesterday I received the cross-stitch of my dog Cindy that Cathie made for me. It is better in real life than in the pictures. No picture could do this piece of artwork justice. I can feel the love and care she put into every stitch—it's beautiful and the good energy Cathie put into it is almost palpable. Everyone who has seen it so far has gasp and can't believe how well she captured the character and essence of Cindy. It not only looks just like her, but the eyes have the same almost magical intensity that Cindy's had. I don't even have words to express how much this means to me or that Cathie understood just how close I was to Cindy and what a huge factor in my life she was. What a special gift from a special friend. Life is good!

OK, back to my food. The quality of what I put into my body feels very important to me now. It kinda was before, but since I've considered the drastic option of bariatric surgery, it means everything all of a sudden. Lately, I've been eating only whole natural fresh foods. Very little that is canned, processed, or that has ingredients I can't pronounce. I no longer add salt or sugar to anything and I'm very careful about the oils and fats I use. When I eat carbs, I want them to really count so I've been staying away from potatoes and even the brown rice I love so much. Not that they are so bad for me but nutritionally, they are mostly filler material and not nutrient dense like for instance, broccoli or green beans. My pet theory is that if my brain and body are getting 100 percent of the minerals, vitamins, amino acids, and fiber it needs, I should have fewer cravings for empty carbs and junk food. It seems to be generally true. However, there is a strong compulsive element to my eating disorder so I need to be really careful with my portion sizes and my rationalizations. I guess I'm starting to ramble. I just feel good today and I'm very grateful.

Love, Dave

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