8/24/03  My blood pressure is averaging 130/85.

Hi All,

Hi All,

I'm still eating healthy and feeling... wow, now that I think of it my pain levels have drastically decreased lately. I have arthritis and a bad back which has left me in chronic pain for the last decade or so. Now, after several weeks of not binging and eating only fresh natural foods (stuff that you could raise or pick) my pain levels are the lowest they've been in years. I don't know for sure but I'm thinking this is due to taking in much fewer toxins such as nitrates and preservatives, emulsifiers and all the unpronounceable things that go into packaged and processed foods. Hmmmmmm

Love, Dave

Hi All,

My recovery is still going well. Somehow after beating my head against a wall for several years, I've found the simple joy in turning my food and weight issues over to my higher power. It feels like a daily miracle to me.

I know my higher power (HP) intended for me to eat a wide range of primarily fresh healthy nutrient dense natural foods. That's my HP's will for me. When I got use to eating those foods thinking in terms of how well I was treating myself instead of how many calories or carbohydrates I was eating, my compulsions and food insanity seemed to pretty much melt away. I don't take my recovery for granted but I am extremely grateful.

Tuesday, I had occasion to have to drive my sister's little old Nissan pickup. I haven't driven it for months. I usually hate driving it because it is very small and I have trouble getting in and out. To top it off, the seating is so cramped that my belly rubs on the steering wheel. It's very uncomfortable for me to deal with.

Well, I jumped right in it Tuesday and it was no problem. There was at least an inch between me and the steering wheel. It didn't seem all that tiny inside anymore or uncomfortable. Way cool!

Love, Dave

> Happy birthday, Dave.

Thank you my friend. Until recently, I never thought I'd see 50. Life is just full of surprises. <lol> But now I'm looking foreword to 62. With the help of my higher power, when I turn 62 I'll only be 31 in AA years. I'm hoping that means I'll be feeling half my age, not necessarily acting it! :-)

It is very strange to me, to feel so hopeful and generally optimistic. Especially since I am way sleep deprived and it's making my psychiatric symptoms a lot of work to deal with. My day to day life is still pretty spooky. I attribute the hopefulness, attitude, and coping ability mostly to eating in a health promoting way for about the last three months.

It's more than abstinence though. I've been abstinent before. What finally seems to have happened is that my relationship to food is changing. It took over 3 years in OA and many years of yo-yo diet hell, but today, the thought of putting anything but natural whole fresh foods into my body is more than unappealing. Who'd a thunk it?

Thank you for your support and inspiration, and for the call you just made as I was finishing this email. Now I got my happy shoes on and am almost ready to go see the dietician up at the Veteran's Hospital.

Love, Dave

Hi All,

I talked to both my primary care physician (PCP) and a registered dietician this week and both were supportive of my decision to continue to work at my weight loss through conventional means and forgo the weight loss surgery. I hadn't seen my PCP for awhile and she wasn't aware till now that I had decided to opt out of the surgery process.

I still feel very optimistic about my chances of regaining my health and in time, giving up all this extra fat tissue. I'm finding that as long as I eat only fresh whole foods it's almost impossible for me not to shed excess weight. I had my cholesterol tested 3 months ago right before I was able to quit binging. Even without perfect abstinence, my cholesterol went from seriously scary hypercholesterolism to just a little high (dropped about 140 points in 4 years of very imperfect and intermittent abstinence). I'm anxious to see what the next results will be now that I've been able to string together 90 days of healthy eating. My physician also told me I no longer needed to take one of my high blood pressure medications.

I am so grateful to have a support system that doesn't lie to me about magic weight loss pills or dramatic weight loss if I just purchase their products. No one says it's easy and no one is telling me I'm bad or weak for not being able to change overnight. I don't have to compare my recovery with anyone else's recovery. No one is grading me or keeping score. Thank you all. For today at least, I am doing well and am not binging.

Love, Dave

11/19/03  388 pounds

Hi All,

I feel very good this morning. Last night was the second night that I slept with my new CPAP machine. The first morning (yesterday) when I got up I checked my blood pressure first thing and it was normal and for the first time in ages I woke up without a headache. I check my blood pressure two times a day and it had always been a lot higher first thing in the morning due to the sleep apnea. The morning headaches were from low blood oxygen levels from each nights bout with sleep apnea. Another thing I noticed yesterday is that I didn't yawn all day. Usually I yawn so much during the day that people think I am bored with them or that I'm just plain rude.

For those that don't know, Restrictive Sleep Apnea, is a condition where a persons air passageway closes up when they fall asleep and they keep waking up over and over to breath when their brains tell them it has an emergency need for oxygen. This can happen hundred of times each night and often the affected person isn't even aware of it. Heavy people who snore a lot are particularly susceptible but it can happen to anyone. A CPAP machine is a medical device that provides a constant pressure of air to a person that keeps the airway open at night and allows them to sleep normally.

I put off going to the doctor for years and years. I had a million excuses but when it gets down to it, I was ashamed. I didn't want even a doctor to see my body, I didn't want to know the truth, and I sure didn't want yet another doctor to give me a food pyramid chart and tell me to lose weight as if it was just that easy. So in just a handful of years I ended up with high blood pressure, hypercholesterolemia, sleep apnea, and in the early stages of diabetes. That's a lot of stuff to consider in terms of how out of control my life was because of my Binge Eating Disorder. Put differently, my eating disorder took me dangerously close to the gates of insanity and death. Not going to the doctor for so long and for those reasons was not a sane or sound thing to do -- or not do as the case may be.

I am so very grateful this morning that for today I am in recovery and that all the support I need is free for the asking. Moreover, that somehow I got to the point that I could ask before it was too late.

Today I woke up feeling good. There is an inch of unexpected snow on the ground. It's the first snow of the season and it is still snowing big gentle slow flakes. The snow is giving the neighborhood a special quietness that is delicious. A couple of sparrows are sitting out on my window air-conditioner pecking around and looking in the window just a foot away from where I'm sitting. I'm happy to be here to experience all this. What a gift.

Love, Dave

12/14/03  I now  weigh 378 pounds

Hi All,

When I was at the VA hospital Friday, I saw something that was really disturbing to me... Or maybe eye opening. In the waiting room there was a man who must have been about 500 pounds. He could barely walk and each breath was laborious and wheezy sounding. He was in pitiful shape. Sadly, he was so addicted to food that he was ignoring all the no food or drink allowed signs and was openly drinking a big regular coke and eating a pile of candy bars and several of those single packaged cookies that one buys from vending machines. He was reading a book and I was watching him unconsciously stuffing one after the other in his mouth (this could not be called eating, it was literally 'stuffing food in'. I know because I use to do it all the time). Then, he dropped a partially eaten cookie on the floor and was hugely upset. The poor fellow could not just bend forward and pick it up even though he was seated and it was right at his feet. He had to work himself up out of the chair with considerable effort and swearing, and then get down on his knees so he could reach the floor to pick up his cookie. By the time he was sitting back in his chair his face was beet red and he was breathing so hard I feared he would pass out right there in front of me. Then, without a second thought, he stuffed the rest of that dirty cookie in his mouth and ate it. I was truly horrified. I felt so sorry for him but at the same time I knew, that if I hadn't started doing something back 3 or 4 years ago when I first started doing the OA thing and found this support list, that is precisely where I'd be right now, if I was even still alive. I really can't discount all the time my food was hideous in the last few years. In between all the binges and little failures; in between all the times I said "I'll start for real this time--tomorrow" there were many many days and many more parts of days that I was able to abstain from eating compulsively and binging. All those short little successes DO COUNT and do add up.

It really brought home to me the power of this disease and the power of the old recovery slogan, "progress not perfection". Perhaps this man had some additional diseases that added to his problems. I tried to be non-judgmental, yet I couldn't help seeing the obvious -- no matter what else was going on with this fellow, compulsive eating surely wasn't doing him any good.

Today I am so very grateful that I am blessed with recovery and have finally come to the point where I am quite comfortable with this new lifestyle. I'm enjoying it. I can't explain in any specific terms how I have come to be able to string a few months of healthy eating together -- finally. I wish I could figure out what the trick was so I could tell everyone. It was a process that evolved over time and continues to evolve. It was the culmination of a thousand little failures and set-backs. Staying hopeful is so important. I know it's awfully hard at times to feel any believable hope. But learning to see and give ourselves credit for every single small success helps. One healthy meal today is a positive thing if you binged all day yesterday. Small baby steps really can get us to the desired destination. For me, that was the only thing that worked.

Lest I get cocky and take my recovery for granted -- I know today that I am just as close to a binge as I am to making health promoting choices about food. Hearing about ______'s friend passing due to her addiction and seeing that poor fellow at the hospital Friday make it clear to me that these are literally matters of life and death.

Love, Dave

12/17/03 379 pounds.   Blood pressure, 124/66, pulse 78.  Learning to care more for myself.

Hi All,

I have a kitchen faucet that has been leaky and cranky for years. One of its knobs is stripped where it fits on the spline of the valve stem. I can turn it and turn it and nothing happens. I have to tilt the handle and press down and to the side to make it grab the valve stem enough to work. The set-screw that holds it on is totally frozen and the head rounded out making it impossible remove or replace the handle. I'm forever having to fight it to get it to turn off or on the cold water. I knew back in '95 that it was beyond repair and really needed to be replaced. The thing is worn out in just about every way a kitchen faucet can be worn out. I have long planned to put in a whole new kitchen counter and sink so I gave myself permission to just leave the faucet alone till I got around to doing the remodeling. Of course, I never did get around to the remodeling. Being well over 400 pounds, that kind of project was just too demanding.

Yesterday, after getting home from an appointment, I found that the faucet had sprung a leak through its valve stem. It had been spraying a fine mist all over the wall and down the floor. I was forced to go buy a new faucet assembly and install it. I did so begrudgingly. I couldn't afford it. I was too tired to do it. I didn't want to because I plan to remodel the kitchen counter some day. I wanted to do the whole job at once, but I had to fix it or I'd have no water. It took me all afternoon and into the evening to complete the job.

This morning, as I made my coffee, I was stunned to experience the simple pleasure of a working single lever action faucet! A quick and painless flick up and whoosh! —fresh cold water as easy as you please. This is really a big deal. I have long had problems with my hands that make it hard or painful at times to grip things. Fighting that cold water knob was a real struggle and constant frustration.

Why or when I made the decision to put myself through years of torture with that old faucet is beyond me. When and if I ever remodeled the kitchen, I could have simply removed the one I bought to replace the old one and used it on the new sink... No big deal. There were many times during the last 8 or 9 years that I could have better afforded the new faucet. My logic for not replacing it sooner wasn't logical at all. It made no sense whatsoever. Yet I tenaciously held onto that line of thinking like it was one of the most important things in my life and never questioned it.

What keeps coming up in my life, the lesson I never seem to learn, is how I put things off till some point in the future instead of doing them as they come up. Getting things done without procrastinating would then make my present more bearable or enjoyable. This morning when I was making my coffee I realized just how much impact that stupid old faucet had on my life. I have to use that sink and faucet for all my water needs as it's the only sink in my tiny place. That means hand washing, dishes, brushing my teeth, drinking water, coffee — I use it countless times per day — each time an exasperating experience that added stress and frustration into my life.

Why I do this to myself — I dunno. But it's a huge loss. Every time I do, I give up a part of my life I can't ever get back.

Love, Dave

12/28/03 373 pounds

Hi All,

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I have been having a flare-up of a long-standing problem with my hands and arms that makes typing a difficult chore. I do read all the mail though. I'm scheduled to go into the VA on January 15th for tests to see where the nerves are being impinged and then figure out what the right solution is.

My food continues to be good and the scales are still going down 10 to 15 pounds a month. Quite often I feel a sense of disbelief and amazement that I can eat all the food I am eating and still lose weight. I feel like I "should" be feeling deprived. That old diet mentality is really hard to break out of. I'm still having fun exploring the natural and organic food stores in town and trying all kinds of things I would have never tried before. It's especially nice to be able to find varieties of some common veggies that aren't hybrids developed more for looks and shelf life than taste and texture. Oh, and whole grain spelt spaghetti is awesome!

Time to go walk my dog.
Love, Dave

1/11/04  I now  weigh 364 lbs. My blood pressure is 112/61--Getting a little too low.
Hi All,

My name is Dave, and I'm a grateful recovering person. Last Spring I was a really scared man living in almost total isolation. After having lost 100 pounds in OA, I had gained it all back plus some. I didn't really know how much I weighed because I had no scales that went up that high. I do know my old clothes from before I lost that 100 pounds were on the verge of being too small and that had never happened before. I was living in a pit of shame and humiliation. I was lying to friends about my eating disorder, recovery, and my health. Nineteen years of freedom from drug addiction and alcoholism that had nearly killed me. Seven years of freedom from a 4 pack a day nicotine addiction that I'm sure was going to kill me. I was also a board member of a small 12-Step fellowship for people with co-occurring emotional and substance abuse disorders, and I was losing the battle of my life from yet another compulsive misuse of a substance—food.

Last Spring, my failing health forced me to seek medical help and I ended up in the emergency department of the local Veteran's hospital. I was sure I was on the verge of a heart attack or stroke. My blood pressure and cholesterol were in the stratosphere and I was frighteningly short of breath. I lived with a pounding headache day in and day out. I felt like I had the flu all the time. I had chronic fatigue to the point I was passing out at my computer while I was typing. I was sleeping upright in my EZ chair every night because of acid reflux. That visit to the VA emergency ward led to my getting into the "system" and receiving a full battery of diagnostic tests in preparation for weight loss surgery. The doctors told me that the risks of surgery were far less than if I did done nothing — and the risks of surgery were not small for a person my size. One of the things I'd heard that would decrease my chances of dying on the operating table was to try and lose 30 or 40 pounds before the surgery. To make a long story shorter, I finally was scared and sick enough to actually use the tools and information I already knew. So I started eating only healthy whole natural foods (consistently this time) and reworking the Twelve Steps. Also, for the first time in my life, I was following through with the appointments, tests, medications, and advice of my doctors.

At first, eating only healthy and non-processed foods seemed almost disappointing or anticlimactic. I felt like I should be counting calories, carbs, points, or something. Because I was eating all I wanted, I felt like I couldn't possibly be doing the right thing. And honestly, for awhile, I was still going out every week or so for a subway sandwich and adding the occasional extra potato or heaping portion of meat or veggies to my meals. Sometimes I'd get hungry again before bedtime and eat another hunk of fruit or scramble up a couple of eggs. I also started working the Steps again with a new humility — I felt that same bottoming out I did back in '84 when I landed in detox. The First Step took on a new meaning as I stepped out of my role (figuratively) as recovery writer, webmaster, and board member for Dual Recovery Anonymous, and became a beginner.

It took me till mid to late Summer to have an epiphany and really "get" the First Step. You know — on that gut level beyond words and intellect that feels akin to jumping off a cliff. Actually, I think it was the first three Steps all at once. After that I lost the taste for junk food — in fact became repulsed by it. I still eat an extra portion sometimes, but always nutrient dense whole foods. I was losing a couple of pounds a week and never feeling deprived. My doctors were a little skeptical at first, especially when I told them I had decided against the bariatric surgery, but they soon became very supportive. The results were speaking for themselves.

I still have a very long way to go. But now, my blood pressure and cholesterol levels are near normal, I'm able to get out and do some social things. I do my own shopping and now do it during the daylight hours. I'm going to support meetings again, and walking my new dog Sweetpea out in the neighborhood where people can see me and sometimes I have to actually talk to them. I still have a number of medical problems to deal with but I feel so much more energy and optimism now. I'm having fun finding and trying new foods, usually from the local organic/natural foods store, and I enjoy my meals very much and eat till I'm satisfied.

I can't afford to take my recovery for granted, but I can't afford to get back into perfectionism either. There is room for some special treats in my eating plan because I am human and deserve to have a muffin or cookie once in awhile. Now I make sure it is from the bakery at the local natural foods store because I know they make their goods with tender loving care out of only the most nutritious and healthy ingredients. Each calorie is very good fuel for my mind and body. I don't have to feel deprived.

Thanks for letting me share. Every time I tell and share part of my story, I get that much more comfortable with it, and in turn, more comfortable with me.

Love, Dave

02/04/04 – 350 pounds. Treadmill, averaging 40 to 60 minutes at 2.6 mile per hour almost daily. Blood pressure is running around 130/68 pulse 61

3/21/04  My blood pressure is averaging 119/70 and I weigh 337 lbs.

Hi All,

Recovery is still going well for me particularly on the food and weight loss front. I am so very grateful. Emotionally I've been having some problems dealing with problems I have with my left arm and hand. Not only is it a pain issue, but it makes typing difficult and playing music out of the question. However I do finally have a pre-surgery visit scheduled with the surgeon the first week of April and I feel hopeful that this problem will be dealt with before long. Pretty sure it will be just a simple day procedure on my elbow to fix some nerve entrapment.

I'm also happy to report that I am still caffeine free. I find that without my usual 2 to 4 large mugs of super strong coffee in the morning that my energy levels are more consistent throughout the day. Also, since giving up caffeinated beverages my sleep patterns are changing. I'm going to bed and getting up earlier and waking up feeling much more refreshed. With the wonderful wisdom of hindsight, I drank caffeine primarily to wake up, clear my head, and gain energy, but it turned out to be more the problem than the solution.

I'm walking without my cane a lot of the time for the first time in years. My overall endurance is continually improving. Not only because of the weight loss and related improvements in my physical health, but a change in attitude and thinking that's been taking place. I feel more empowered and independent. Now, unless my back pain levels are way up or I'm having some sciatica, I no longer park in the special parking spaces reserved for disabled people. I see the longer walks from the regular parking lots as an opportunity to get just a little more exercise and use up a couple additional calories. It's just these types of little steps my recovery is made up of. A year ago I wouldn't even stop to shop if the disabled spaces were filled up.

"Nothing changes if nothing changes". That's what my VA physician told me during my first visit with her last year. I didn't really "hear" that phrase that day. I mean I heard it, but it was just some more words. I started really hearing it a couple days latter and it kept getting louder and louder in my head day by day. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing changes unless I change it—me. What a concept!

The longer I eat in a healthy way, the more I can see that it is so not about "diets" or anything temporary. It's about permanent lifestyle changes and a patient holistic approach to getting and being healthy— physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's not going to happen overnight. It's a process I must be willing to engage in for a lifetime, one day at a time.

Love, Dave

• About Dave - Welcome
• F.A.Q. - Frequently Asked Questions
• Milestones 1 - Reflections on various stages of my recovery journey. 4/18/03 - 7/25/03
• Milestones 2 - Reflections on various stages of my recovery journey. 8/02/03 - 3/21/04
• Milestones 3 - Reflections on various stages of my recovery journey. 5/2/04 - 11/01/04
• Milestones 4 - Reflections on various stages of my recovery journey. 11/2/04 - 3/27/05
• Milestones 5 - Reflections on various stages of my recovery journey. 3/28/05 - 8/9/06
• Milestones 6 - Reflections on various stages of my recovery journey. 8/10/06 - 12/10/07
• Milestones 7 - Reflections on various stages of my recovery journey. 1/14/08 - Present
• Chart 1 - Weight, Blood Pressure, Progress Chart.
• Chart 2 - Weight, Blood Pressure, Progress Chart.
• Chart 3 - Weight, Blood Pressure, Progress Chart.
• Chart 4 - Weight, Blood Pressure, Progress Chart. current
• Cholesterol Chart
• Doughnut Epiphany - A powerful personal experience on the way to a binge
• Changes - Before and After. 4/18/03 at  450 lbs. to 8/14/04 at 291 lbs., and from 8/14/04 to 5/29/05
• Pictures
• Dave's Food Plan Food Plan - What works for me
• Dave's Book List - Books I consider legitimate and personally very useful
• A Healthy Diet? - Eating to improve health and lower risk factors for disease
• Exercise - Increasing activity levels—an essential component of recovery.
• Fruits & Vegetables - Why they are important to well-being and maintaining a healthy weight
Grains - Why Whole Grains are important to well-being and maintaining a healthy weight
• Meat, Fish, & Fowl - Beans Nuts and Tofu too
• Fats & Oils - The good, the bad, and the ugly
  • Trans-fats - More on hydrogenated vegetable oils
• Omega-3, Flaxseed & Fish Oil A healthier balance of essential fatty acids
• Fad diets, expensive supplements, and weight loss pills - Snake oil or useful tools?
• Low Carb? - Should we be counting carbs? Why all the hype?
• Salt, Sodium, and Canned Green Beans - Reducing sodium can help control hypertension
• Typical Day - What Dave eats on a typical day
• Food Products - Food products that Dave has found to be healthy and tasty.
• Abstinence - Dave's thoughts on abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous
• All or Nothing Thinking - A roadblock to recovery
• Binge Eating Disorder (BED) - Description and diagnostic criterion
• Body Mass Index - What it is and handy calculator
• Bariatric Surgery - Considering a surgical solution to clinically severe obesity
• Food and Spirituality - Mindfully aware eating
• Getting Started - Going from, I'll start tomorrow to, I started today
• Intuitive Eating - Listening to the body's hunger and satiety signals
• Killing the TV set - Is your TV set trying to sabotage you?
• Lifestyle not Diet - More on recovery. Dave answers a friends questions
• OA Update - 2004 update on Dave's thinking about recovery in OA as it applies to BED
• Passion & Hobbies - Finding things to get passionate about besides food
• Perfectionism - and perfectionistic thinking. A common roadblock to recovery
• The Scale - Problems with weighing too often and other ways to mark progress
• Yo-Yo Dieting - This vicious cycle is part of the problem
• Letters Section - Articles and Letters I've written over time about recovery and life.
• Key Concepts of Recovery - 12 key concepts that helped Dave recover from Binge Eating Disorder
• UnTwisted Thinking - Changing the automatic thoughts we tell ourselves
• Overeaters Anonymous - This section is no longer supported. It's still here for those who may find it useful