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 Milestones - 3
5/2/04 - 10/31/04
I removed most names from these excerpts of messages that I posted to an online support list to protect other people's anonymity. This page is a sort of chronicle of my recovery from June 2004 forward.

These messages reflect my recovery from compulsive overeating and Binge Eating Disorder (BED) from the point that I first considered going to the Veteran's Hospital in April 2003 to get help. At that time, I had been a member of Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I had lost and regained around 100 pounds a couple years prior in OA, and was at my all time high weight of an estimated 450 or 460 pounds. I didn't have scales that would go that high. Please keep in mind that these messages may have some poor to bad nutritional advice in them and may not reflect the best options for recovery from Binge Eating Disorder. They reflect my thinking at a particular point in time. I have learned as I've progressed.

5/2/04  I now  weigh 320 lbs.

Hi All,

This morning I reached what feels to me like a rather significant personal milestone. I've lost 100 pounds since last September 11. Nothing really significant about September 11, 2003, except it was the day my scales arrived (a set that would go high enough to weigh me).

Last spring, I was at or nearly at my all time high weight and very depressed. I was living in almost total isolation and felt pretty certain that I wasn't much longer for this world. I'd lost a lot of weight a year or so earlier but it was hard and I soon fell back into many of my old eating patterns. Honestly, I lost that initial weight by calling a "diet" my lifetime eating plan. It wasn't any specific popular diet, but a "diet" all the same. There was no way I could eat that way for the rest of my life and I think I really knew that in my heart. My food plan just wasn't nutritious enough, balanced enough, or fun enough, for me to follow long term or sustain optimum health.

Early last summer I was seriously contemplating gastric bypass surgery. In fact, I was in the final stages of the medical process one goes through before being scheduled for the surgery. I was pretty scared but at the time I just didn't see any alternative. After all, I'd been on one diet or another for years. My weight had been all over the place but after each loss, I'd always yo-yo back up to my original weight, plus some. This, the usual result for me even in OA.

I did a lot of research on bariatric surgery and knew the risks were significant. I felt that any fat tissue I could shed before the surgery would help to increase my chances for survival and decrease my chances for any post operative problems. So I dedicated myself to losing 30 or 40 pounds before I went under the knife.

I wrestled with my food plan and my first step through most of last summer. I was losing some weight back then but abstinence" was still not an easy thing to maintain for long. I'd do fine for a week or two, then spend a few days eating my old way, then a couple weeks making healthy food choices again. But, I was learning. I was developing a healthy way of eating that would be sustainable and enjoyable. I learned that when I tried to limit my calories and carbohydrates below a certain point, I would be powerless to stop myself from overeating or binging. I was learning how to get the most nutrition from every bite so my body and mind would not be suffering a lack of anything it needed. I was trying new natural wholesome foods and discovering new options to make my meals varied, interesting, and tasty. The longer I worked at this the easier it was to make health promoting choices and the better I began to feel. By August I had been able to make mostly healthy food choices for several weeks and was beginning to feel very much like I could always eat this way, and in fact, always wanted to eat this way. I was enjoying it.

I had an epiphany one morning about my relationship to food and my recovery. I "saw" my patterns surrounding compulsive and binge eating and realized they were exactly the same desperate and sick behaviors I use to engage in before I found AA and NA and got clean and sober. The only difference was that these behaviors were about food, not booze and dope. Something suddenly clicked and I knew way deep down just how out of control I had let my life get. I knew I had to take responsibility for my own recovery or die.

It wasn't long before informed I my doctors that I was not going to have the surgery. That I was going to lose the excess fat by eating healthy natural nutrient dense foods and that's just what I've done to this day. They were skeptical at first and understandably so, but I had changed inside where they could not easily see. I knew I would need help and guidance and continued support. I knew I could not do this thing alone.

I believe now that almost going through with the weight loss surgery was an important part of my healing process. Since then my VA physician has become one of my strongest supporters. I also consider her and the hospital staff as part of my system of higher and helping powers. A power made available to me to utilize by my higher power, just like this email support list.

Today I feel very grateful to be alive and getting healthier each and every day. I am grateful that regaining my health and losing this extra fat is no longer just a pipedream for some magical point in the future, but something I can experience on a day to day basis as it is happening right now — one day at a time.

My best to all.
Love, Dave

6/09/04  310 pounds. Treadmill, averaging 30 minutes at 2.8 mph almost daily. Much more and seems to cause problems with fallen arches or back pain. Am satisfied with monthly weight loss and in fact happy it is a bit lower than it has been due to health concerns. Want it to stay off so speed isn’t the biggest concern. Trying not to lose over 2 pounds a week.

6/25/04  I now  weigh 307 lbs

Hi __________,

I was so glad to read your message this morning. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I too have been trying to run on my old diet tapes lately. I have an appointment with my VA physician in a couple of weeks. I hadn't seen her for about 3 months and I have had in my mind, a milestone on the scales I wanted to be at by the time I saw her again. I realized the other day that I wasn't going to quite make that milestone so had started to cut my calories to what I knew was not a healthy level. I wanted to speed things up. Sometimes I think I was born without the moderation gene. I know full well that my doctor wants me to be improving my health--not ruining it by crash dieting. I know from hard won experience that letting myself go hungry is an almost guaranteed shortcut to a binge, yet I started to let the numbers on the scale be my higher power again.

Your story brought me back to sanity. Thank you. The specific number on the scale that was my goal actually doesn't mean anything to anybody—it's just a nice round number I had planted in my mind. My health and my recovery are what I need to be concerned with and not numbers or speed. I'm about 30 pounds lighter than I was the last time I saw my doctor and that's a miracle I am truly grateful for.

I'm not going to say this willful disregard for my health and obsessing over numbers on the scale, and yes, abusing food by compulsively restricting it, was blowing my recovery, but it was certainly flirting with danger and it was part of the dynamics of my Binge Eating Disorder. If I'd have let it go on any longer, it would have been a lapse in my recovery just as much as if I'd gone back to consistently binging. That old diet mentality sure seems to be a hard one to give up for long. Seems as soon as I get the least bit complacent...

On another note, I had my first ever attack of gout yesterday. It struck suddenly and fortunately is much better this morning. I could hardly walk last night and the pain was frightening till a friend told me what was probably going on and that it would probably pass before long. I didn't even know what gout was till yesterday. I thought is was something that only happened to old people... Ouch! Anyway, now I got to do some research and see what causes it and if there's anything I can do to keep it from happening again.

Time for breakfast.
Love, Dave

7/7/04  I now  weigh 304 lbs and is able to stop all meds for high blood pressure

Hi All,

I saw my VA physician today. She took me off of my high blood pressure medication, and a medication I was taking for insulin resistance. And, I no longer need to take any acid reducer meds for reflux disease. I still have a lot of extra fat tissue to lose, but already the health rewards of weight loss are significant and feel like a miracle to me. This time last year, I went to the VA hospital feeling and thinking I was at or near death's door—and perhaps I was.

I also went through the pre-surgery interviews and stuff for getting my ulner nerve fixed next week. I am so praying that this will allow me to regain the full use of my left. I use to play guitar and haven't been able to for a very long time. I really miss my music.

I am so grateful for my recovery... all my recoveries. It was so cool to be able to answer, no—I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't do drugs, and yes—my depression is under control. I had to go through this three separate times with the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, and a nurse today. It felt great to have them congratulate me on the weight loss and ask me how I was doing it instead of hearing the usual lectures on the dangers of obesity. Today was definitely an up day for me.

When I choose healthy food and eat sanely, I really am empowering my own best destiny. When I choose to binge, I am choosing much grimmer consequences. My denial use to be so powerful that I couldn't or wouldn't directly and immediately equate the horrible choices I made about diet and food with the certain horrible consequences. It was like I would binge and not give a thought to the effect it would have on my health and my emotional well-being. I did that all the way up to somewhere around 450 pounds and almost total social isolation. The point at which I was able and willing to choose health... I dunno. I couldn't really explain that to anyone today. When they asked me how I did it (lost the weight), I could only tell them what and how I was eating. It didn't really sound like much of an answer at all. I wish I had some simple words for how one goes from feeling they have lost the power of choice over food, to being able to choose a healthy lifestyle. It feels almost like one of those "you can't get there from here" sort of things, but it is so very possible with all the tools at our disposal.

Love, Dave

7/14/04 

Hi ________,

Thanks, and now for something really new. I got a hair cut yesterday. First real hair cut in... I dunno, maybe 20 or 25 years. :-) I heard it wasn't the 60's anymore. <lol> It feels so cool and nice and dealing with my hair is now so easy. Like it only takes a couple of seconds in the shower to wash it and I don't have to wait around for it to dry. Don't have to deal with tying it back, tangles, or it blowing in my face when the car window is down. Wish I'd had done this a long time ago, but I felt I still needed long hair—like it was part of my identity or something. I'm thinking now that maybe my beard is in danger, or maybe just a trim to start.

Love, Dave

7/16/04  I weigh in at 299 pounds and am doing the happy dance. Treadmill - 30 minutes at 2.8 - 3.0 mph at 4% incline once and sometimes twice daily. Arch in right foot and back pain still limiting factor, but if I don't do over 30 minutes at a time seems to keep problems in check.

7/25/04  297 lbs.  Blood pressure 114/67 pulse 67 first thing in the morning. Feeling quite well thank you.

Hi All,

I passed another personal milestone several days ago. One I had placed strongly in my mind for a long time. I am now under 300 pounds. Having the first digit drop from a 3 to a 2 seemed like it would be a major milestone. It felt like one when it dropped from a 4 to a 3, but now that I've passed this milestone, it feels good but sort of discouraging at the same time. Wonderful because I've lost so much, and depressing because I still have so far to go. I really do want to be "there" now. It's not a bad thing for sure. I guess it's really just another number on the scale after all.

Having already lost a lot of extra fat tissue, I can now see that at 50, my skin is obviously not going to be nearly flexible enough to shrink back to where it was when I was younger. It's already sagging all over. I'm going to have a lot of extra skin. I'm not sure I'm dealing with this reality all that well. The VA will probably surgically remove some of it when I lose another hundred pounds or so, but it still feels sad to me. Sort of a see what I have done to myself thing. Probably not going to be running around with my shirt off in the summer. I really wish I could wish this part of weight loss away.

My diet keeps evolving. I was checking the freezer yesterday for my next monthly trip to the warehouse store (Costco) and realized that I've all but quit eating red meat and I seldom have chicken anymore. Boneless skinless chicken breasts were my main source of protein for much of this last year but over the last few months I've developed a preference for salmon and tuna. I've also started using a lot more dried beans, raw nuts, and plant based proteins.

I don't think I would or could have ever made these changes in one large leap, but with recovery, my taste buds have changed—my palate has become a lot more sensitive. I can no longer abide things that are very salty. I use to love salt and added a lot to what I ate. Now, I don't even have a salt shaker filled or handy. Nowadays, a little saltiness or a little sweetness goes a long way. I use to almost demand an intense salty, sweet, or combination salty sweet sensation in my mouth. Flavors had to be intense.

The point is that over time as I've continued to make health promoting food choices, my diet has gradually changed and my tastes have gradually changed. What I desire has changed. I believe my taste buds were desensitized by all the commercially prepared and packaged processed foods I was raised on and ate most of my life. Desensitized to the point that I couldn't really enjoy the marvelous, often complex but sometimes subtle flavors and smells found in many natural whole foods. Now, eating in a healthy way is like discovering new worlds of possibilities—adding new experiences to my life—on an almost daily basis. I really love good food, but my definition of what's good is way different than it was a year ago and for that I am very grateful.

Love, Dave

8/6/04  I now  weigh 295 lbs

Hi All,

I just got the results of a cholesterol screen that I took a few weeks ago at the VA hospital. A year ago my total cholesterol level was 278. Now it's 152, up slightly from 6 months ago, but my triglycerides are lower and my good cholesterol (HDL) has gone up 6 points—which is what I was hoping for. I am very pleased!

My fasting blood sugar levels improved and now are well in the healthy range now too. I am so grateful for the support I've received from you guys and that I have so many tools and helping powers at my disposal for recovery.

Love, Dave

8/16/04  I now  weigh 292 lbs

Hi All,

Today while shopping for groceries I had a pleasant insight. For the longest time, even up till just a few months ago, when I was shopping I'd feel like I was in a sort of protective bubble. People rarely talked to me or even openly looked my way. I felt pretty much like a mutant or alien—mostly due to my size. I thought that because I was morbidly obese, people avoided me like the plague. It was like I scared them or I was so freakish looking that they couldn't stomach looking at me.

Today, I realized that for at least the last three or four months, people have seemed a lot more friendly and talkative. People often smile if our eyes meet. They stand near me in line without backing away, sometimes exchanging pleasantries and small talk. The checkout clerks seem to have all recently taken friendly lessons. This has changed so gradually that I hadn't really noticed it till today.

I got to thinking about all this and I believe it's not so much about my size, I'm still a pretty big guy and I am still pretty self-conscious about my size and body. It's how I'm feeling about myself. I guess I'm leaving the protective bubble I use to "wear" at home now. I took my emotional inventory when I was in the store and it occurred to me that I wasn't afraid. I was relaxed and there was a mild smile on my face. I was enjoying the process of shopping. I use to be filled with a fear that... I don't know... like I'd fall apart if anyone touched me or caused me to stop to speak to them. Like if I was in my bubble, they wouldn't be aware of me and I wouldn't have to hurt so much.

I think that I was wearing my fear, fatigue, and gutter level self-esteem like a big neon sign that said to people, "STAY AWAY". The bigger part of me really did want people to stay away, I was gripped with a paralyzing fear, but a little inside part always ached to feel like I was part of what was going on around me—that I belonged to the community of man. Today, even with another 100 pounds or so yet to lose, I felt like I was just another guy at the store—one among many.

Love, Dave

 

8/25/04   Old tapes and recovery

Hi All,

It's pouring down rain here in the pacific northwest. I'm sitting here with my doors flung wide open enjoying the cool morning. It's been a most dry and warm summer so this rain is making the air smell and feel exquisite. I am loving the sound of the rain. I feels like an old friend come to visit.

Before breakfast, Sweetpea and I took a walk around the yard. I stopped in my garden to pick some summer squash for dinner and noticed my neighbor watching me from his kitchen window. I was barefoot, wearing a tank top, and drenched from head to toe. He must have thought that I am a little crazy. Oh well—give him something to gossip about I guess. <lol>

A year ago I would have freaked out just knowing I was being watched. I probably would have scurried right back inside. I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a tank top. I didn't even own one. Today all I did was chuckle to myself and continue on with what I was doing. It's all grand.

Something that I've been getting more in touch with lately is that I still have this creeping uncomfortable feeling when I have extra food sitting around. Not so much that I'll binge, but that it will spoil or otherwise go to waste before I use it up. Like I will be responsible for wasting it and something awful will happen. When I was a kid, wasting food was just not done. It could result in some pretty severe consequences.

A while back a friend stopped by who was hungry. I had already eaten so I told him to feel free to look around and make himself something. I was astonished to see him use a whole can of tuna to make one sandwich. I thought it took quite some gall to do that. How wasteful—I would have made four sandwiches out of that can of tuna. I didn't say anything to him but it did really bug me at the time. After thinking about it some, I realized that I had simply been doing and thinking what I had learned as a child. There was really no good reason for him to worry about making that can of tuna go as far as it possibly could. He had every right to make his sandwich as filling and enjoyable as he pleased. And, there was really no good reason for me to put such a thin spread on my sandwiches.

There's still a lot of these old tapes in my brain. I don't need them anymore but they keep popping up and trying to control me. Even when I figure one out, like the tuna sandwich tape, I still have a hard time letting go of it. It's like I'm tenaciously clinging to things I pretty much despise and the tighter I cling to them, the tighter I am bound to them. Letting go is not so easy.

So back to my current issue. When my refrigerator is full, I feel an uneasy anxiety. Right after I do a major shopping trip I immediately start trying to figure out how I can use it all up. I don't buy too much. There really is no problem, but I feel an almost insufferable urge at times to do something about it. I get some of this same anxiety when I make a big pot of soup or something and freeze it up in meal size portions. I start to worry about how I can incorporate it into my meals and use it up before too long.
I still haven't figured this all out because the frozen foods sure aren't going to spoil any time soon.

Even though I am gratefully solid in my recovery, I'm still in some ways compulsively thinking about food. Not all the time, but enough to where it is an issue. I wish I could just let go. Intellectually I know the anxiety over wasting food isn't logical, but none the less it's powerful. It's a part of my eating disorder. It's a piece of the puzzle of why I use to binge.

Love, Dave

9/23/04  I now  weigh 283 lbs. Have some new photos today. [click here to see]

Hi All,

I finally got my weight machine assembled and I'm really happy with it. I have been depending primarily on a treadmill for my exercise but there are times when the wear and tear on my feet and joints from carrying all that extra weight for so long limits my ability to use it. The weight machine has cable affairs whereby I can use it for a rowing machine, do lateral pulls, and a host of exercises that won't be hindered by how my feet or joints feel on any given day. Also, having this machine will allow me to do some strength training. I've read that strength training is a very good tool for shedding extra fat tissue and keeping it off. It helps build up muscles. More muscle tissue helps kick up one's metabolism and burn more fat--even when a person is sitting still.

I have been using 5 and 8 pound dumbbells for several months and yesterday I noticed while shaving that I could see 'some' muscle definition in my forearms. They are no longer just puffy round fat covered arms. It was sort of an odd feeling but I had a bit of a sensation that I'd almost forgotten about. It made me feel more manly--more uniquely masculine. I looked at the reflection of my arms in the mirror, a part of my own body and thought, "way cool--I like that". This is the first inkling of actual pride in my body that I've felt for years. I know I still have a very long way to go, but yesterday, and still this morning, I feel like I can realistically set the goal for my physical recovery for a lot more than just shedding extra fat tissue. I can have a goal of having a body that I truly feel good about.

Love, Dave

10/11/04  I now  weigh 278 lbs.

Hi All,

Yesterday was the 20 year anniversary of my first full day of being clean and sober. I spent most of my adolescent and adult life up to that point in a day to day attempt to escape reality.

After awhile, these AA birthdays can feel a little anticlimactic. I had intended to let this one pass as a non-event. Thinking about it this morning, I realize that it was both the most significant turning point in my life, and, absolutely part of my current recovery from Binge Eating Disorder and compulsive overeating. It's really impossible to untangle my evolution in terms of this recovery and that recovery. It's all really one long process of healing, stumbling, growth, and change. I overate for most of the same reasons that I use to drink. I also recognize that I've always had a binge eating disorder. I may not have always been overweight or actively and constantly binging, but the compulsion was always there. Food had always been one way that I could anesthetize myself from the experience of being fully alive and human.

Today I am especially grateful for the 12 steps, and 12 step support groups. There are certainly other ways to get and stay sober and there are many other paths for growth, spirituality, and daily living, but this one has been pretty good to me.
Thank you all for being part of my recovery.

Love, Dave

10/31/04  I now  weigh 276 lbs.

-----Original Message-----
From: Big and Tall Catalog Customer Service
Sent: Thursday, October 28, 2004 4:11 PM
To: David Anderson
Subject: Re: cancel catalogs please

Thank you for contacting us.

We have cancelled the catalog, per your request. You may receive one or two more catalogs, but then stop.

We apologize for any inconvenience and look forward to serving you in the near future.

Sincerely,
Kelly/56232
Customer Service

-----Original Message-----

Subject: cancel catalogs please

Hi,

I would like to stop receiving your catalog. I don't need your products any more.

David Anderson
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