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 Milestones - 6
8/10/06 - 12/10/07
I removed most names from these excerpts of messages that I posted to an online support list to protect other people's anonymity. This page is a sort of chronicle of my recovery from June 2004 forward.

These messages reflect my recovery from compulsive overeating and Binge Eating Disorder (BED) from the point that I first considered going to the Veteran's Hospital in April 2003 to get help. At that time, I had been a member of Overeaters Anonymous for about 3 years. I had lost and regained around 100 pounds a couple years prior in OA, and was at my all time high weight of an estimated 450 or 460 pounds. I didn't have scales that would go that high. Please keep in mind that these messages may have some poor to bad nutritional advice in them and may not reflect the best options for recovery from Binge Eating Disorder. They reflect my thinking at a particular point in time. I have learned as I've progressed.

10/12/06  232 lbs. Oops, up a couple. No biggie. Probably just a late salty dinner last night.

Hi All,

Got a phone call this morning from the VA hospital to schedule surgery for my abdomonoplasty (tummy tuck, redundant skin reduction thingy). It's for the 23rd of this month. Somehow I'd almost put it out of my mind—like it was still so far out in the future as to not even be real. BANG! It's real. I was shaking so hard during the phone call that I could barely speak. I'm almost too surprised and scared to be happy.

That's less than two weeks away. I could have had it done next week, but I have to arrange for transportation and I have to be off my pain meds (NSAIDS) for longer pre-surgery than that. In fact, the nurse said I should quit taking them today for surgery on the 23rd—OUCH! I can hardly imagine no pain relievers for the next couple of weeks since I've been having so many arthritis type problems. It will be worth it though for sure. This is the next right step and an important step in my physical recovery. To get rid of this yucky extra belly skin that hangs like an apron... will make buying clothing easier, take more strain off my back, and I'm sure will help with my self-image/esteem some.

Love, Dave

10/27/06  Post abdomonoplasty

Hi All,

I had my tummy tuck last Monday at the VA. Excellent surgeon (Dr. Tuan A. Nguyen) and wonderful nurses. I can't say enough about how respectfully I was treated and how kind they all were. It was a day surgery. It is a rather invasive procedure and I'm sure it will take some while before I'm riding my bike and being really active again. Right now I have two drains in my abdomen and a really marvelous contraption called an Accufuser, designed to automatically pump in metered amounts of a local anesthetic near the incision. I'm thinking that this is the biggest reason I was able to go home that afternoon. Post operative pain was and is not so bad. I'm not comfortable by any means, but with the Accufuser post-op pain control pump and some Vicodan or Percocets, it's certainly tolerable. I highly recommend discussing the possibility of an Accufuser pump if you're thinking about skin reduction surgery, a panniculectomy or abdomonoplasty, after massive weight loss.

I have to wear a binder around my abdomen. I think I'll have to wear it nearly all the time for at least several weeks. I don't like that much and the fact that I can't really do much right now, but in the long run, I'm banking on this surgery as seriously improving my quality of life. Sort of a short term hassle for a long term payoff. Right now I can't do much more than lay on my back and get up to use the restroom, do a couple of dishes after dinner, or let Sweetpea out. No way could I drive, lift and carry anything over a couple of pounds, or do any exercises. It's pretty hard yet getting up and down out of bed, and without help, I can't get up out of my recliner chair once it's kicked back, so I don't sit there. I'm pretty much in bed rest mode. Hoping that next Tuesday, the doctor will remove the pain pump and at least one of the drains. Hoping that maybe by then I'll be off the narcotic pain killers and be feeling well enough to do some short driving to the market and such.

It's going to be weird not having to contend with that "apron" of skin hanging down below my beltline all the time. I'm looking forward to being able to buy well-fitting pants and clothes. And I think it will help a lot with my body image and self-esteem issues. Having all that extra skin and fat hanging down there made it hard for me to see myself in the mirror as not still being morbidly obese. I knew I weighed around 230 pounds, but I'd see a 450 pound me in the mirror. I'm sure it will take a long time to really "get" that I'm not so huge anymore, but this is a major step in a good direction in those regards. Oh, and incase you're wondering, I have a new innie. Dr. Nguyen understands the importance of keeping a belly button.

My sister has been an indispensable help. She took three days off of work this week to drive me to and from my appointments, did my laundry, shopping, and was just "there" when I needed her. If you are considering this sort of surgery, you will need someone to assist you in just about everything the first two or three days home. She was genius in that she borrowed a folding walker just in case I needed one. Turned out to be just about the only way I could get out of the car and in the house after the surgery, and I'd not have made it to the bathroom that first evening without it. I can't really use or stress my stomach muscles. I had no idea just how important those critters are in just about simple physical act I do. Now I can feel them (ouch) when I sit up, cough, or have a bowel movement. It's not fun, but again, tolerable. I can feel things getting better and better almost by the hour. Sure wish I could hop in the shower, but sponging off is all that's allowed for now. And for now I've sat long enough. Sitting isn't my best position right now.

Love, Dave

11/14/06  Three weeks post abdomonoplasty

Hi All,

Three weeks post-op and they took out the last surgical drain today. Wow! A great relief and sense of freedom. Being tethered to those things coming out of my groin was not fun, made sleeping difficult, and they aren't comfortable.

I suppose I'm like a lot of people with eating disorders and weight problems, I'm not inclined to looking at myself in a mirror more than the necessary minimum. I don't like seeing pictures of myself or getting my picture took, and I sure don't like seeing myself nekid. I avoid it whenever I can. Tonight though, after climbing out of the shower, I did look at myself in the mirror. I looked very carefully—side views, face on, slouching forward, standing tall shoulders back, flexing my muscles, sticking my belly out, sucking my gut in, looking at my backside—oh man am I glad no one could see me <lol>. It was a very different experience for me—to see my self sans the apron of skin and fat that use to hang around my middle  that extended well around into my sides. I looked and looked and for once I couldn't find that horrible 450 pound guy that I saw there just three weeks ago. What I saw was a middle aged guy who is somewhat overweight, who still has loose skin in several places, is reasonably muscled—I saw a pretty average looking guy. I think I now have a pretty realistic mental picture of my body as it really is. I feel I now know about how much more weight I'd like to loose. Actually, I'm not sure how much weight in pounds, but I have a real sense of how much more fit I'd like to look and be. I don't care about the numbers on the scale so much as perhaps measurements in inches. Better yet, my clothing sizes. I'm thinking now that that's what I'm going to use from now on as a primary base of reference. Inches lost instead of pounds. I think it is a much better indicator of my fitness level at this point.

I'm kind of stoked right now. I tried on my blue jeans for the first time since the surgery and they just plain don't fit. I can't really wear them yet as I'd have to cinch the belt up and that would hurt on my incision, but without the belt, they literally fall off me. For now I'm sticking to my comfy jersey sweats with their elastic waistband. I'm not sure what size pants and stuff an average man my age and height might wear, but I'm thinking that maybe eventually 38 or even 36 inch waist jeans and men's regular large shirts would be nice target to shoot for. I don't think men's medium shirts would ever do. The only time I ever was able to wear men's medium anything was back when I was in my twenties working hard and doing speed a lot. 38 inch waist may be larger than I end up with though so maybe 36 is my target. I need to get a cloth measuring tape so I can measure myself. The jeans I've been wearing for the last year or so are a 42 waist. Had to get them that size to accommodate my extra skin flap apron thing. They were pretty baggy everywhere else. they just didn't fit well anywhere.

So, I'm going shopping for Christmas this year. I'm going to go to WalMart and get myself a couple of pair of new blue jeans. Going to pick up some new underwear while I'm at it, some that fit me right. I think my men's XL tee shirts and shirts will get me through for several more months. I like my clothes to fit loose and comfy anyway.

Love, Dave

4/01/07  Floating in a range between 220 and 224 lbs.  My blood pressure is running around 120/70 with a resting heart rate usually between 48 and 52.

Hi All,

I'm doing well. I continue to increase my fitness, strength, endurance and flexibility; learn and grow as a person; and eat mostly whole natural type foods. My weight has stabilized over the last year or so, though it is slowly creeping down. I'm pretty happy with that so don't feel compelled to update my web site as often as I use to. I have a yearly physical coming up in a couple months and intend to do a full progress update after that. I'm anxious to see what my cholesterol numbers are now as I quit eating mammals and fowl some time ago and have made other adaptations in my lifestyle that feel positive and will hopefully push the various medical test results in the right direction.

The abdomonoplasty (tummy tuck) has left me with mixed feelings. There are huge emotional and physical aspects to such a surgery that nobody told me about. It is a major surgery. Even now I don't feel that I'm fully recovered from it. Yes, I am glad I did it, but I wish the VA had offered a more in-depth pre-surgery consultation that spoke to some of these issues and possibly some post surgery counseling. It took a huge hit on my energy and endurance levels that are just now getting back to pre-surgery levels. There's a body image adjustment that is unexplainably difficult to adapt to. I know that doesn't sound like it should be so hard, but for me, it's an ongoing struggle that I can't quite grasp or make sense of by myself. The loss of sensation over so much of my skin area was shocking and continues to be disturbing. It is improving, but I'm not at all sure my belly will ever fully feel like it's really a part of me. The scar is mostly below my beltline, but when I see it in its entirety, it's still a rather shocking reminder of just how big a deal this surgery really was and is. Since the surgery I've read that skin reduction surgery is really the trading of one deformity for another. That I think, is the most realistic way to look at it. It's a trade off, not exactly a fix.

I have two sets of jeans now. One with a 38" waist and one 40. One is a bit too tight for my sensibilities and one a bit too lose. I figure sometime soon I'll have to give up on the 40's as I get tired of having to cinch my belt so tight to keep them from sliding down. I figure my jeans are a pretty good indicator of my physical progress. I'm thinking now that I'll probably end up wearing 34 or 36 inch waist pants when my weight finally stabilizes at whatever ends up being my healthiest. I got tired of worrying too much about specific numbers on the scales. Instead I think now of a range of healthy numbers. This allows for the usual and normal hour to hour and day to day fluctuations without the darn scales leaving me feeling insane. Right now my range is 220 to 224 pounds.

It's kind of cool to sit here and remember how I use to gasp for breath with the slightest exertion. Now I can easily ride 25 fast miles on my bike, come home to lunch, do some weight lifting, and then do another half hour on my cross trainer or the treadmill. I don't do that amount of exercise every day of course. I'm old and arthritic enough to where it takes me more than one day to recuperate from a day of strenuous exercise. I do try to get a half hour of aerobic workout of some kind as a minimum at least six days out of each week and do the longer harder maybe a couple times a week. I'm still trying to find my point of healthy moderation.

Love, Dave

5/28/07  Weight ranging between 217 and 222 lbs.  Blood pressure readings are ranging from 114/70 to 126/75. Pulse from 48 to 52 upon rising in the morning and 52 to 60 latter in the day depending on what I'm doing.

Hi All,

I had an exercise cardio stress test last week. I'm happy to find that my heart seems to be in very good working order. After the test the cardiologist said I appeared to be really fit. They ran me up to 103% of my maximum computed heart rate, then monitored me for a few minutes after I stopped. It was interesting and reassuring.

Recent blood panel showed that my cholesterol levels have not improved this last year, and in fact have gotten slightly worse. I was quite disappointed because I'd made choices in my diet over this last year that I thought could only improve my numbers. I'd quit eating red meat and most fowl and egg yolks and increased my consumption of beans, legumes, and use of tofu. I don't really know what my parents levels were so part of this may just be genetics.

I also found out that my white blood count has been decreasing over the last four years. Now it it somewhat below what the VA considers the normal range. It's not frighteningly low, but the trend is concerning so will talk to my doctor about it next time I see him.

It's a real process getting use to this new body I'm living in. It's like I've been away from it for a couple of decades and while I was gone, it aged a bunch. Now that I'm leading a more active lifestyle, all kinds of new aches and pains are plaguing me. I'm still having problems learning my body's capabilities in terms of endurance, energy, recovery times, and how it reacts to various stimuli and situations. It doesn't seem to behave in a consistent predictable manner. One Monday I'll go for a long hard bike ride and have tons of energy and recover quickly, then the next week I can barely make the ride and I'll be sore for days. I feel like I've not regained my pre-surgery endurance and energy levels—I haven't.

I've been very busy lately gardening. My vegetable garden is now fully planted. I've also been busy repairing and insulating the ductwork on my sister's home, most of which is in the crawl space under her ranch style house. Not a fun job, but I'm really happy that I can actually do the crawling around in small spaces now (down there with the spiders and dirt). I wouldn't have been able to do it 3 or 4 years ago.

I've received many wonderful emails over the last two or three years from others who've been affected by obesity and disordered eating. Some have congratulated me. Some have written  to tell me they are "starting tomorrow". Some ask thought provoking questions. Some of you have shared your stories, but most of all you've shared your hope, inspiration, and courage. I've learned so much. Thank you all.

Love, Dave

12/10/07  Weight ranging between 220 and 225 lbs.  Blood pressure has been running somewhat higher lately for some reason -- around 120/80 and sometimes higher. Pulse around 52. I think this may be due to chronic daily use of up to 1600mg of ibuprofen for my arthritis. I've been taking it for years due to a bad back.

Hi All,

My weight remains stable. I am recovering right now from surgery to repair an umbilical hernia. I'm not suppose to lift more than 10 pounds for the next several weeks. My current exercise routine is walking my sister's dog Sophie (a rat terrier) up at Mt. Tabor (a beautiful wooded park smack in the middle of SE Portland) almost every day for about an hour. I'm also riding a recumbent exercise bike for about a half hour almost every day. My weight lifting had been put on hold in recent months due to arthritis problems and now this darn hernia deal. I'm considering selling my weight bench and most of my weights. The heavier lifting seems to take just too much of a toll on my aging arthritic body. I need more movement, stretching, balance and weight-bearing exercise that utilize light weights and my own body's weight like walking and hiking I guess.

I'm at a place right now were I'm trying to move on to the next stage of my weight loss journey. I'm quite happy that I haven't regained weight or gone back to my old eating patterns, but I'm still heavier than I want to be. I don't know what my healthiest weight might be because I still have a bunch of extra skin and tissue on my body even after the abdomonoplasty I had last year. It's hard to know how much weight that accounts for and just how my age factors in to the mystical mythical perfect weight. I do believe that my perfect weight has more to do with how I feel than how I look, but I don't know yet how I might feel 20 or even 40 or 50 pounds lighter than I am right now. I'm sure I'd be better off at least 20 pounds lighter, so my goal now, since December 1st. 2007, is to get below 200 pounds. Emotionally I like the idea of my weight starting with a one instead of a two. So I've started journaling my food again and plan on keeping it up for the entire month of December to see where I can tweak things to get the scale moving again.

It's been nice being weight stable for the last year or two, but always eating at my mind is a feeling of stuckness. I've not been complacent. I've been learning and adjusting to things like what is the appropriate and healthy type and amounts of exercise for my body at this age and with my medical issues—in particular, serious arthritis problems. I tend not to intuitively know what is moderate and healthy and nearly always have to overdo things to the point of damage before figuring out what is correct for me. I do this time and time again with just about everything in my life. I am starting to "get it" I think. Even with my walking I started out with too big of plans, going for serious aerobic type walking and often for a couple of hours at a time with no rest days in between. I ended up getting planters fasciitis (heel spurs) on my left heel and they make walking awfully painful at times. I recently bought a pair of Z-Coil shoes which have offered me tremendous relief and am back to walking most days of the week and at a more moderate pace, rarely for over an hour at a time.

Recent blood test showed that my white blood count has risen back into the normal range. Not sure what was going on but am feeling somewhat relieved. When I was at the VA hospital's emergency department last month with complaints of severe pain in my abdomen (the hernia), they gave me a CT scan and discovered a 3.1 x 4.2 cm lesion on my liver. I don't think it's a big deal, but am scheduled to have another more specific scan done early next month to figure out what it is. I hope it's just some leftover damage from my drinking and drugging days or something like that and nothing new I have to deal with. Honestly, I'm a little scared and I'll be glad to learn what it is next month just to take it out of the realm of the "unknown".

Love, Dave

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