Gratitude

Hi All,

My name is Dave, and I'm a grateful recovering person. Last Spring I was a really scared man living in almost total isolation. After having lost 100 pounds in OA, I had gained it all back plus some. I didn't really know how much I weighed because I had no scales that went up that high. I do know my old clothes from before I lost that 100 pounds were on the verge of being too small and that had never happened before. I was living in a pit of shame and humiliation. I was lying to friends about my eating disorder, recovery, and my health. Nineteen years of freedom from drug addiction and alcoholism that had nearly killed me. Seven years of freedom from a 4 pack a day nicotine addiction that I'm sure was going to kill me. I was also a board member of a small 12-Step fellowship for people with co-occurring emotional and substance abuse disorders, and I was losing the battle of my life from yet another compulsive misuse of a substance—food.

Last Spring, my failing health forced me to seek medical help and I ended up in the emergency department of the local Veteran's hospital. I was sure I was on the verge of a heart attack or stroke. My blood pressure and cholesterol were in the stratosphere and I was frighteningly short of breath. I lived with a pounding headache day in and day out. I felt like I had the flu all the time. I had chronic fatigue to the point I was passing out at my computer while I was typing. I was sleeping upright in my EZ chair every night because of acid reflux. That visit to the VA emergency ward led to my getting into the "system" and receiving a full battery of diagnostic tests in preparation for weight loss surgery. The doctors told me that the risks of surgery were far less than if I did done nothing — and the risks of surgery were not small for a person my size. One of the things I'd heard that would decrease my chances of dying on the operating table was to try and lose 30 or 40 pounds before the surgery. To make a long story shorter, I finally was scared and sick enough to actually use the tools and information I already knew. So I started eating only healthy whole natural foods (consistently this time) and reworking the Twelve Steps. Also, for the first time in my life, I was following through with the appointments, tests, medications, and advice of my doctors.

At first, eating only healthy and non-processed foods seemed almost disappointing or anticlimactic. I felt like I should be counting calories, carbs, points, or something. Because I was eating all I wanted, I felt like I couldn't possibly be doing the right thing. And honestly, for awhile, I was still going out every week or so for a subway sandwich and adding the occasional extra potato or heaping portion of meat or veggies to my meals. Sometimes I'd get hungry again before bedtime and eat another hunk of fruit or scramble up a couple of eggs. I also started working the Steps again with a new humility — I felt that same bottoming out I did back in '84 when I landed in detox. The First Step took on a new meaning as I stepped out of my role (figuratively) as recovery writer, webmaster, and board member for Dual Recovery Anonymous, and became a beginner.

It took me till mid to late Summer to have an epiphany and really "get" the First Step. You know — on that gut level beyond words and intellect that feels akin to jumping off a cliff. Actually, I think it was the first three Steps all at once. After that I lost the taste for junk food — in fact became repulsed by it. I still eat an extra portion sometimes, but always nutrient dense whole foods. I was losing a couple of pounds a week and never feeling deprived. My doctors were a little skeptical at first, especially when I told them I had decided against the bariatric surgery, but they soon became very supportive. The results were speaking for themselves.

I still have a very long way to go. But now, my blood pressure and cholesterol levels are near normal, I'm able to get out and do some social things. I do my own shopping and now do it during the daylight hours. I'm going to support meetings again, and walking my new dog Sweetpea out in the neighborhood where people can see me and sometimes I have to actually talk to them. I still have a number of medical problems to deal with but I feel so much more energy and optimism now. I'm having fun finding and trying new foods, usually from the local organic/natural foods store, and I enjoy my meals very much and eat till I'm satisfied.

I can't afford to take my recovery for granted, but I can't afford to get back into perfectionism either. There is room for some special treats in my eating plan because I am human and deserve to have a muffin or cookie once in awhile. Now I make sure it is from the bakery at the local natural foods store because I know they make their goods with tender loving care out of only the most nutritious and healthy ingredients. Each calorie is very good fuel for my mind and body. I don't have to feel deprived.

Thanks for letting me share. Every time I tell and share part of my story, I get that much more comfortable with it, and in turn, more comfortable with me.

Love, Dave 1/11/2004