H.A.L.T.

Hi All,

When I got clean and sober in AA back in the '80's, a very important concept for me to learn to do was to stop several times throughout my day and ask myself if I was too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. It is one of those much quoted seemingly trite little sayings repeated ad nauseam at AA meetings that drive many newcomers batty, "Remember H.A.L.T." Which is shorthand for "Don't let yourself get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired". It was a really good tool to help me get use to the concept of asking myself how I was feeling — to get and stay in touch with myself, and help prevent relapse.

The longer I am in recovery and making health promoting food choices, the more I keep learning about myself and my relationship to food . One of the things I'm learning now is that I need to be very careful not to let myself get too Hungry. I fall into that trap too easily. At first a bit of hunger or feeling empty in my stomach feels like I am doing good. I feel thinner and more flexible somehow. For some reason a little hunger feels like a reinforcement of my recovery or perhaps verification of the choices I was able to make about food. The problem is that it quickly turns into compulsive and obsessive thoughts about food, and from there it's only a short trip to a binge. That's just how tricky Binge Eating Disorder is for me.

I don't feel like I am explaining this too well. I think it happens mostly because I've been so out of touch for so many years on what real physical hunger feels like. Having not eaten compulsively for several weeks, I'm also getting less in touch with the feeling of being chronically sick, stuffed, and bloated from binging. My body's feedback mechanism is still missing or broken and I have to really work at not letting my signals get crossed or lost. Sometimes I forget to eat and sometimes I feel like I should eat again right after a meal. Using the three meals a day and one or two snack rule helps, but I still usually don't seem to be easily satisfied with moderate healthy portions and other times I don't want to eat at all at mealtime. Getting in touch with my hunger and satiety signals is an elusive goal.

I try to use the H.A.L.T. saying nowadays but it is hard. It worked easier for booze and drugs where abstinence was black and white do or don't simple. Now it's a bit like an alcoholic reminding himself not to get too inebriated. Arrgggg! That would have never worked. I guess I am feeling sort of frustrated today. Sorry for whining. This recovery from binge eating stuff is hard and confusing work. How can my food and diet compulsions be lifted if I can't even tell whether I am hungry or full? I have a ton of weight to lose but I can't let myself get very hungry or I will binge for sure. I am not sure I know what hungry really is or feels like except for that brief time between feeling empty and a binge. At least for today, I am not overeating and I have no doubt that I'd rather be here than recovering from a binge.

Love, Dave 8/15/2003