How it worked for me

Hi _____,

> Can you guys tell me how you did it? How did you find a food plan?
> How did you become willing to abstain from certain foods. Yesterday,
> as I was driving home from work I felt like all the stores and fast
> food places were calling my name. They were these dealers on the
> corner just waiting for me. How can I make it through today without
> compulsively eating?

I had an awful lot of false starts and setbacks with food plans and "abstinence" since coming to OA (like at least three years worth) but they all had an overall positive cumulative effect in the long run. So the first thing I'd say is that perfectionism is more part of the problem for me than the solution. For the longest time, every time I'd have even a small slip, I'd use that to tell myself that I'd already blown it so I might as well do it up right and really treat myself (binge) and start again tomorrow. It was hard to get past this mindset (insanity) for me, particularly in light of my experience in AA/NA and how so much of success there, whether we like to admit it or not, is measured in length of sobriety and clean time. In AA, I would have considered even one small drink a relapse and would have started counting my time all over again. That was perfect for me in AA, but was killing me in OA with food. For me the concept of "progress not perfection" was and is hugely important.

I had tried to diet for several years and early on my food plans and "abstinence" were really pretty much diets in disguise, and like all my diets, doomed to failure. Over time though, I did manage to start changing my relationship to food. Initially, feeling deprived was what shedding my extra weight was all about — giving up all the things I loved to eat. Over time, I started to understand that food was fuel for my body and if I wanted to feel and do my best, including emotionally, I had to use the very best quality fuel I could find. Most modern processed and packaged foods don't contain much in the way of the real building blocks of life. Nearly all the natural nutrients are processed right out of them and some ingredients of very dubious nutritive usefulness are added in their place. In most cases things are added that we now know are unhealthy and do damage like hydrogenated fats. These foods served to fill me up, but left my body lacking some of the basic ingredients and fuel it needed to maintain a healthy metabolism. A metabolism that's conducive to weight loss, rebuild lean tissue, and optimize the electrical and biochemical processes in my brain required to feel good and not fall into the pits of depression. I started eating only natural whole nutrient rich foods. Things that are picked, harvested, or butchered, and sold very close to their natural state. Things you don't see in the center isles of the grocery store.

This change didn't happen overnight but with good nutrition I found that my cravings soon lost their power. Before long I became repulsed by the idea of putting "garbage" or bad fuel in my system. Shopping for and learning new ways to prepare whole natural foods became an interesting and generally joyful experience. The mindset that is working for me is to try to not think in terms of weight loss (though I do fall back into that at times), but to think in terms of optimum overall health and vitality. Now I try and focus on the healing of my whole self and all its intertwined and interdependent systems. It's not about a list of allowed or forbidden foods, but what is the best quality fuel to meet the needs of all my systems. If I eat those foods my system is in balance and the calories and weight loss seem to almost take care of themselves.

One of my biggest triggers for a binge or lapse is being too hungry. To shed my extra weight and get healthy, I have to eat, and I have to eat enough so my body and mind does not think there's a famine and go into starvation or survival mode. I try NEVER to let myself get too hungry or skip a meal. This little simple sounding concept was very hard for me to grasp and fully believe in. It's sort of like in the Big Book where it says, "some of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil till we let go absolutely." The old ideas of dieting and feeling hungry and deprived were hard for me to give up. I just "knew" that you didn't lose weight by eating. But finally I started eating my way to better health and so far have lost nearly 100 pounds. I was also blessed to have a rather profound moment — an epiphany if you will, about my food obsession and the real decisions and choices I do have the power to make. Maybe not all by myself, but I had to get really honest and make those choices to do whatever it takes and go to any length required.

Another thing that helped me greatly is keeping a little notebook with me at all times and writing down every single thing I ate throughout the day and what I was feeling... a food and mood journal. Not only did it help me discover what my patterns were and possible trigger for binges and overeating, but it kept me honest when I wasn't really capable of being honest for a whole day. During my first three years of OA, this was part of many to most of my periods of successful abstinence. When I quit keeping track, I'd be on my way to a binge. In the long run, journaling like that increased my self awareness greatly and kept me more keenly focused on my recovery.

And one last thing I'll share is that I had a lot of trouble fully taking my First Step where my eating disorder was concerned. It wasn't so much that I didn't know how, but that I had a long history of recovery in AA and felt what amounted to a resentment that I was back at the first step. It bruised my ego and I let that get in the way of me honestly doing a thorough job of my first step for a long time.

Love, Dave 4/15/2004