More on my First Step

Hi All,

For a long time I’ve had a hard time honestly feeling like food can be an addictive substance in the same way drugs or alcohol are. I guess my mind wasn’t quite making the leap because food doesn’t have mood altering chemicals in it that make you high like booze and drugs do. I think that’s one reason I’ve had so much trouble believing fully that 12 Step recovery fits as perfectly with eating disorders as it does with alcohol and drugs. What I realize now is that while food may not actually be a true addictive substance, I'm using it in a very addictive like manner. I've been engaging in addictive like behavior.

One of the main reasons I abuse food is to stuff or not feel my feelings and emotions; basically I make food my ‘mood altering substance’. Several weeks ago when I was doing some First Step work on my eating disorder, I began by listing out behaviors related to my Binge Eating Disorder that might alter my mood in some way. The first and most obvious is the aftereffect of a binge. Shortly after I have binged I usually feel physically uncomfortable and emotionally blank. When I carried this “mood-altering” idea further, my list started growing and growing.

1. When I am shopping for a binge I usually am so disconnected from my feelings that I don’t even think of my recovery plans or the aftereffects of the binge. I am in an altered state again.

2. When I am “dieting” by eating in an unnatural and unsustainable way the whole process alters my mood. I am so busy worrying about calories and portions, making plans for the future when I am thin, my present day’s "abstinence" and constantly trying to ignore the hunger I feel, that there is little room left for my real feelings.

3. When I am filled with guilt and shame for cheating on my diet or letting guilt and shame fill up the day following a binge, I am altering my mood.

4. When I am having cravings and obsessing about food, the mental obsession is the mood-altering device.

5. When I buy the next larger size of pants or shirt, I remove myself from reality because the new looser fitting clothes make me feel like my size and weight are less of an issue.

6. When I plug my weight and height into a diet program that shows me how much weight I’ll lose by when on X amount of calories, I alter my mood by living in and dreaming about the future.

7. When I blame other people for my obesity and problems with food, I am altering my mood. It’s fine to look at the roots of a problem honestly, but after that I must realize I’m an adult and recovery is my responsibility. My problem when looking at the past so much is that I often feel anger or I disassociate and feel nothing. Much of the time I think I drop into self-pity rather than doing the honest work of mourning. Again, my mood is altered or changed.

8. When I am feeling horrible shame or contempt for myself for being fat and weak-willed, I am not feeling what lay underneath. I am altering my mood once again.

9. When I say no to friends who invite me to social situations, my mood changes. I often get depressed, mad at myself, or resentful. I often get caught up wishing I was different or that life was different or that I’d had more control way back when before I got so fat, etc.

10. When I isolate… that’s hugely mood altering. It's pretty much not living at all.

11. Being hyper-sensitive about my size means I am constantly vigilant for prejudicial remarks and embarrassing situations. This uses a lot of my energies and leaves less room for feelings. It alters my mood and takes the focus off of where it should or could be.

12. When I am consumed with trying to control my cravings and maintain perfect abstinence my mood is altered.

What I realize now is that I was constantly trying to control some facet of this disease. The mental obsession, trying to control, and using my will power, is the mood alteration or distraction. It became clear that my life was being controlled by my binge eating/compulsive overeating disorder. The harder I tried to control the symptoms of my eating disorder, the more powerful it got.

I also got in touch with a resentment I’ve begun working on letting go of. I realized that I deeply resented being back at the first step after successfully working a 12 Step program for my chemical dependency for nearly 20 years. I’ve been letting my ego keep me from thoroughly doing the first step regarding my eating disorders. It’s the one step that does really need to be fully worked to work. Anyway, it really helped me to look at the behaviors associated with compulsive overeating as being devices to stave off, mask, or alter my feelings and mood. That’s what my drinking and drug abuse was all about too.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.

Love, Dave 8/30/2003