A Positive Thing (eating)

Hi All,

My name is Dave and I have a compulsive eating disorder. Please know that what I share is only my personal experience, current opinions, and feelings. What works for me may not apply to you or fit your plan of recovery and that's how it should be. Take what you want and leave the rest.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the Steps and how they apply to my recovery from Binge Eating Disorder, and about how my recently acquired new relationship with food and eating came about. I've been trying to put a handle on just what point or what single event triggered it. I've had this gnawing need to figure out why and how my recovery suddenly went from desperation and near hopelessness to relative ease and a new serenity about what I needed to do to get healthier.

Sure, it was a long series of events and hard work—lots of failures and frustration, but there was a point where I had ultimately decided to actually do it, and I did. That was the day of what I now call my "doughnut epiphany". Suddenly it was clear to me what I needed to do. I could see what my higher power's will for me was and it was gentle and it was loving. Up to that moment, I had always seen recovery from compulsive overeating, on the physical level anyway, as being continually deprived and learning to live with it. This idea or attitude was very powerful and blinded me to what feels now, like the obvious choice. But it was not obvious at all. I had to become willing to let go of my old ideas absolutely and I wasn't ready to do that until I was ready.

I had a heck of a time fully working the First Step. Much of my previous periods of abstinence were little more than new ways for me to control my eating. In AA we call that white knuckle sobriety. I was really just dieting but wrapping the Steps and OA jargon around those eating plans. When I'd blow my abstinence or binge I would tell myself that I just hadn't yet landed on the magic formula for abstinence that would work for me. This was a vicious cycle for a long time.

Abstinence has a negative connotation to me though I know of no better term right now. But abstinence is not recovery for me any more than an alcoholic who just doesn't drink is in recovery. Any alcoholic can stop drinking, but it takes a whole different attitude to stay stopped. So my attitude that associated "abstinence" with being deprived and doing without could never work. I could stop eating junk food and binging, I did it hundreds of times. I just couldn't stay stopped.

I needed to make eating abstinently into a positive thing. Not only on the level of shedding my extra weight or getting healthier—that's never been enough motivation for me. I needed to change my relationship with food so eating became a joyful loving experience. A natural thing to do that is not only self-nurturing, enjoyable, and even fun, but is an expression of the love my higher and helping powers have for me.

The picture I saw the morning of my doughnut epiphany was one where food was a gift from God that was meant to nourish and fuel my body and my mind. Eating healthy natural nutrient dense foods was aligning myself with God's will for me. It was part of my Creator's plan for me and how I was built to function best. The doughnuts I had been obsessing about had nothing to do with my higher power's will for me. Putting empty calories into my body for fuel just didn't make sense. What I've discovered is that when I am filled with good quality healthy foods, my desire for empty carbs and high fat foods just goes away. When my body gets all the natural vitamins, minerals, fiber and micro-nutrients it needs from good wholesome food, I don't crave junk food. In fact it becomes entirely unappealing as do all the preservatives, chemical flavor enhancers, processed filler materials, trans-fats, added sugars, huge amounts of salt, and texturizers found in most packaged foods. I've come to see those things pretty much the same as any other poison. Certainly not my higher power's will to ingest toxins and substances that may harm my body or add to my emotional problems.

So it's not really about the decision to eat healthy or shed my excess weight, but the decision to turn my will and life over to the care of my higher and helping powers by aligning my will with his... or hers... or theirs. :-) That's the Third Step as I've come to understand and experience it. Because I am affected by a compulsive overeating disorder, I have to make this Third Step decision at least every day or I may forget.

Love, Dave 11/16/2003