Turning it over

Hi _____________,

For me, turning it over, or getting out of my own way, is an almost constant process. I've thought a lot about this lately as I've been leading an online Step study for an Overeaters Anonymous list and we are currently on Step Three. I'm including some excerpts below. One thing that a lot of people get stuck on is thinking in "All or Nothing" terms in regards to this Step. Really, it's just a decision that we make, usually on the 24 hour installment plan, and sort of grow into over the long haul. In Step One we admitted that by ourselves we were powerless over our eating disorders. In Step Two we identified a source of help which can include not only the divine, but our support groups, doctors, therapists and any other helping powers. Then in Step Three we make a decision to follow their advice and utilize their broader vision and wisdom. Since we figured out in the first two Steps our will power and best thinking were only digging us a deeper hole, Step Three becomes the easier softer way.

Step 3, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

“Made a decision to turn...”  Step Three is an opportunity to redirect our lives from the self destructive and insane thinking and acting of our past to a new life-affirming, self-loving, higher powered model. We work at leaving the old ways and old thinking behind and at focusing our attention on new ideas and new ways of thinking. Notice that this Step does not say that we turned our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him. It only says that we make a decision to do it. Making the decision to turn our will and lives over...  as many times as it takes, even when our decision doesn't seem to be having any positive effect, is what Step Three is all about. It is the principle of commitment.

The Third Step starts with these words. “Made a decision...” That is the action that this Step calls for. Once we understand that our self-will is what is keeping us miserable, we make a decision to align our will with that of our higher and/or helping power(s). In the words of the Big Book of A.A., “We had to quit playing God. It didn’t work” (page 62). Freedom from “the bondage of self” is what we are seeking through Step Three. The way of freedom, we find, is by letting a Higher power direct our lives. No, this does not mean we become hapless mind numbed robots. It does not mean we give up responsibility for our recovery from Binge Eating Disorder. It is not an invitation to passivity. Quite the opposite is true. It means we find strength and wisdom from sources greater than ourselves. It means we begin to take full responsibility for our life choices. In Step Three, we "make a decision" between living in the problem or living in the solution. The only thing left is putting that decision into action. This action is using the tools of recovery and working the rest of the Steps.

Part of turning our will and our life over to the care of our higher power is the willingness to accept the fact that we, as humans, usually learn our most important lessons by making a series of mistakes. Over time we become more adept and graceful at dealing with and healing from these mistakes. We begin to learn from them and grow as individuals. This is life on life’s terms. The point is that we seek progress and not perfection. Our higher and/or helping power(s) do not demand perfection. We either choose to accept the normal process of growth with its trials and tribulations or we stay stuck where we are—refusing to admit our own humanity. Step Three requires humility, and humility grows as we decide to practice it. It is through this practice of humility and turning our will and lives over to the care of our higher power that we find true acceptance and compassion for our selves.

Taking the Third Step doesn't mean that we must instantly and completely change everything about the way we live and act. Changes in our lives happen gradually as we work on our recovery. New insights unfold before us as we grow. Old reactive coping mechanisms fall by the wayside as we learn new more effective and self-loving ones. This requires an almost continual decision making process—again and again we reaffirm our willingness to align our will with that of our higher power and/or helping powers.

It is characteristic of addictive behavior to cling to fixed, repetitive, once meaningful but now self-destructive patterns. We crave release, but we refuse to let go out of fear and we hang on ever tighter—and so long as we cling, we are bound. We cannot get better until we let go absolutely of our old dysfunctional ideas. We are the only ones who can do this. Until we do let go and make room for new ideas, we are clinging to our disease, we are stuck. This seeming paradox—the paradox of “surrender” is one of the great spiritual lessons of all time. Surrender begins when we accept that we are not in control anyway—we finally understand it is only the illusion of control that we were grasping so tightly. When we let go of our illusions we begin to deal with reality—life on life’s terms—and so we become empowered. Letting go is something we work at over time and when we do finally let go, we find the feeling of surrender is more like a 'gift to us' than something we have done.

Anyway, hope you find something here helpful.

Love, Dave