The Third Step
Part 3 - Updated

My name is Dave, and I have a disease called compulsive overeating. I am grateful to have a way to keep it in remission on a day-by-day basis. I am grateful that by working this suggested program I have regained the power of choice over what and how I eat, one day at a time. I am grateful today that I have several sources of help, support, and guidance that make my recovery possible.

I realize that my lack of experience and knowledge about certain faiths and religions may leave some people feeling turned off or excluded at least to some degree when I speak of a higher power, turning our will over, or even praying to increase “knowledge of God’s will.” I freely admit that I don’t have the knowledge, understanding, or skill, to translate or explain these things in terms that will fit neatly within everyone’s belief system, traditions, or culture. What I can say though with all certainty is that people of many differing faiths have used these same Twelve Steps as a program of recovery by doing whatever was needed, including changing some of the terminology to be more aligned with their own spiritual traditions and beliefs. There are many books and Internet resources written on the Steps from just about every conceivable perspective. If you do not find your answers here, please keep searching and seeking until you do find them.

Turn our will and our lives over to the care of…

Turning our will and our lives over to the care of God or our higher and/or helping power(s) means that we agree to follow a plan in our everyday decisions so we can achieve a satisfying lifestyle without resorting to compulsive overeating. We choose to let go of our old ways of thinking and coping with life that don’t work and let our higher power show us more appropriate and effective ways. By working Step Three, we are allowing someone or something to care for us, not control us or conduct our lives for us.

Sometimes the words "to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him" can distract us so much that we fail to understand the entire step. It sounds like such a huge undertaking or it reminds us of some sort of religious conversion we have no interest in. Keep in mind that in Step Two we have defined our own higher power and in Step One we realized we were in a real fix and needed some help. There really is no other place to go. Step Three is the transition point between the past and the future, our illness and our health. At this point we decide to move foreword or we sit where we are. We ask for help or we stay stuck. We decide to take actions that are positive and constructive or we continue to self-destruct. We need not fear making this decision. The Third Step is just one more piece of the path of recovery from our eating disorder. Taking the Third Step doesn't mean that we must instantly and completely change everything about the way we live and act. Changes in our lives happen gradually as we work on our recovery. New insights unfold before us as we grow. Old reactive coping mechanisms fall by the wayside as we learn more effective and self-loving ones. This requires an almost continual decision making process—again and again we reaffirm our willingness to align our will with that of our higher power.

Part of turning our will and our life over to the care of our higher power is the willingness to accept the fact that we, as humans, usually learn our most important lessons by making a series of mistakes. Over time we become more adept and graceful at dealing with and healing from these mistakes. We begin to learn from them and grow as individuals. This is life on life’s terms. The point is that we seek progress and not perfection. Our higher and/or helping power(s) do not demand perfection. We either choose to accept the normal process of growth with its trials and tribulations or we stay stuck where we are—refusing to admit our own humanity. Step Three requires humility, and humility grows as we decide to practice it. It is through this practice of humility and turning our will and lives over to the care of our higher power that we find true acceptance and compassion for our selves. Recently, I was struck by the words of our friend Patrick, who made this point very well when he said, "Each moment we are not binging is a moment of success, and it is progress towards a goal of a day without binging. Yet a binge is not a failure as such, but a warning that there is still growth to be had."

Some of us have a hard time trusting our higher and/or helping power(s) and may balk at taking this Step. But consider how many times you are already placing your trust in complete strangers—even placing your life in their hands. When you board an airliner to take a trip you ‘trust’ that the pilot and crew know what they are doing. You ‘trust’ that the ground crew and mechanics do their jobs in an excellent way. When you pick up your prescriptions you trust the pharmacists and chemists that make, mix, and label the compounds used. When you turn on your microwave oven you ‘trust’ the manufacture meets the minimum safety requirements so you and your family don’t get bombarded with dangerous microwaves. We put our faith and trust in people many times a day over some really serious things. We realize we are not experts and can’t fly the plane or mix up our own medications. So we make a decision to turn our well-being over to their hands. Step Three is a lot like trusting the pilot to do their job well so we have the best chances of getting to our destination. Our level of trust and faith in our higher and/or helping power(s) also grows as we continue on the road to recovery.

How do we know if we are acting on our self-will or our higher power’s?

Once we make a decision as per the Third Step, we “keep it simple.” More will be revealed as we grow in our recovery and continue the process of becoming. Later Steps deal with this and it’s something we can never do 100 percent. It is a matter of progress not perfection. At this point we can come to some simple and basic conclusions about our higher power's will for us that will guide us well for the time being. It is our higher power's will for us to make food choices that are in our best interest, to not binge or eat compulsively. It is our higher power's will for us to do things that will help us live in the solution and not the problem, i.e., using the various tools of recovery, getting professional help if we need it, being honest with our physicians, and things like finding and using a support system. As we continue to work the Steps these constructive and healthy things begin to feel more natural and we expand on them as we begin to see and feel the rewards of our efforts and progress.

Through trial and error and practicing the principles of the Steps we begin to see more clearly what is our self-will. Our self-will for this purpose is that thing inside us that drives us to lead an isolated and self-absorbed lifestyle. It demands instant gratification. It is that idea that we can binge now because we will “start tomorrow.” It can make us blind to the needs and feelings of others as we demand they bow to our desires and needs. It is self-centeredness and denial. It is impulsive and demanding. It feigns self-sacrifice and martyrdom to manipulate others for our own needs. It is the false pride that keeps us from asking for help. It is the self-centered fear that keeps us from reaching out to help others. It is our lack of humility, honesty, and willingness. It is the “All or Nothing thinking” that justifies a full-blown binge just because we made one small slip. It is our ego unchecked. It is anything that takes us away from living the solution and directs us toward the problem and the depths of our illness.

Remember though that with Step Three we are not making a vow but a simple decision to try to grow along spiritual lines. This means that we have made a decision to try and learn from our mistakes. To forgive ourselves and move on. To get out of our rut and take actions to improve our own lives. We decide to quit waiting for the motivation or inspiration to start—we simply start without having to plan or control the outcome. We leave the outcome in the hands of our higher power so we can focus on the steps and actions we need to take right now.

I’ll leave you with one final though this week: “Action precedes motivation”.
We usually think just the opposite, but for many of us that leads to procrastination and inaction. We have problems in the area of self-discipline. Our self-will is getting in the way of our progress once again. The truth is, motivation does not precede action. Action precedes motivation. This means that, when you start working on something, the motivation to continue working on it will usually follow.

Questions for journaling and contemplation.