The Third Step
Part 4 - Updated

How do we take Step Three?

“First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director” (page 62, Big Book of AA). We decide to change from being ego-directed to being spiritually prompted. Step Three begins a process of active commitment to recovery.

On page 63, the Big Book tells us:

But remember, everything in the program is merely suggested as an example of what has worked for others. Some of us came up with our own words and shared them with a sponsor. For others is was a quiet moment of reflection where the concept was felt on a very deep level. Some people write a letter to their chosen higher power—or God—and keep it with them while they continue through the next Steps.

It says in the book, “The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous” and I’ll paraphrase it here, that when we honestly take this Step we will now have new reactions when we face a problem or decision, whether it has to do with food, life in general, or with our own emotions. It says that we will now pause long enough to learn God’s will instead of acting on impulse. Then, instead of resorting to willpower, we reach out to receive help and guidance. It goes on to make a very profound promise. It says, “Once we compulsive overeaters* truly take the third step, we cannot fail to recover.” It also reminds us that recovery is a process and we are bound to get off track from time to time. If we remain willing, our higher power guides us back to the right path. As we live out our Third Step decision day by day, our higher power guides us through the remaining nine steps.

*Note: I recommend not labeling ourselves by our eating disorder. Instead of calling yourself a compulsive overeater or a COE, consider saying that you "have a compulsive eating disorder". We are, in fact, not our illness.

When do we take this Step

Initially, as soon as we are honestly capable after finishing Steps one and two in order. From then on we do it as often as needed. Many of us do this at least daily, sometimes more, and if we are in a tough situation—minute by minute. We do this because we are willing to go to any length for our recovery.

Letting Go

There is a story that makes the rounds from time to time that tells of a man who fell off a cliff into a very deep abyss. It would be certain death to fall to the bottom. Half way down he was able to grab onto a branch and stop his fall. Below him was an endless chasm and certain death. No one had seen him fall and the winds were so loud that no one could have heard his cries for help. His situation was dire. He cried out again and again in desperation, “God help me, God help me!” To his amazement, he heard a voice say, “All right, just let go and I’ll catch you.” Looking down, the man saw the rocks hundreds of feet below. God again reassured him and said, “Let go.” The man looked at the rocks far below one more time and said, “But God, you don’t understand!” Then, in a terrified voice, the man called out, “Is there anyone else up there?”

It is characteristic of what some refer to as addictive behavior to cling to fixed, repetitive, once meaningful but now self-destructive patterns. We crave release, but we refuse to let go out of fear and we hang on ever tighter—and so long as we cling, we are bound. Eating disorders—characterized by an obsession and compulsion with food, help us to understand the experience of letting go. We cannot get better until we let go absolutely of our old ideas. We are the only ones who can do this and until we do let go and make room for new ideas we are clinging to our disease, we are stuck. This seeming paradox—the paradox of “surrender” is one of the great spiritual lessons of all time. Surrender begins when we accept that we are not in control anyway—we finally understand it is only an illusion of control that we had been so tenaciously clinging to. When we let go of our illusions we begin to deal with reality—life on life’s terms—and so we become empowered. Letting go is something we work at over time and when we do finally let go, we find the feeling of surrender is more like a gift to us than something we have done.

As an example, most of us have held tightly to the belief that some day we will find just the right diet. The diet to end all diets. That's an old idea that doesn't work. When we surrender that idea we can be open to new ways to look at managing our eating disorder in a healthy and constructive way. It is a big step and can be a difficult idea to develop faith in, yet professional eating disorder specialist will tell you that diets only exacerbate binge eating disorder. If that is so, hanging onto our old ideas keeps us stuck in our illness. It takes a lot of faith to move out of that rut and become open to new ideas. Especially when society at large promotes the very idea of dieting as the only solution.

Overeaters Anonymous is called a spiritual program and also a program of action. It is both. As we practice each Step we make new discoveries about how to live life without eating compulsively. One “discovers” this new life not by being told, but by doing. Each discovery comes only through our individual experience of doing—of taking some action. Taking Step Three is like the doorway we take to make these personal discoveries. The action we take in this Step is to make a decision. Then we follow up our decision by working the rest of the Steps with the help of our higher and/or helping power(s).

Spiritual progress is more a matter of relinquishment than acquisition. At some point in our lives we have taken on attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors that may have initially had some value but now are self-defeating and counter-productive. Over time we come to accept these thoughts and feelings as reality. The process of letting go of these long-held ideas and feelings leaves a clear path for our new healthier life to unfold. The decision we make in Step Three affirms our willingness to use the program and other tools and continue on with the Steps. Much of what we learn is self-honesty. We lose the bondage of denial and self-deception. We begin to see our old ideas for what they truly are and realize we no longer need cling to them or allow them to bind us to our eating disorder. We decide to let go of them.

The following are excerpts from “How it works” chapter 5 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

• “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.”
• “Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.”
• “Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.”

My interpretation:

• We need to follow the instructions thoroughly. Don’t skip steps. Don’t put them off.
• We need to be willing to let go of ALL of our old ineffective ways of dealing with life.
• We must get humble and willing enough to follow advice and trust our chosen higher power.

The first time you really face and take this Step I hope you will continue on with the next Step. Don’t get stuck using Step Three as an excuse to put off Step Four. Step Four at this point, is the only additional action required after making the decision in Step Three. None of us can ever perfectly and totally turn our will and lives over. It is a continual process. That’s why reaffirming the first three Steps is so important to recovery. We can do this as we wake in the morning, before each meal, and even when we introduce ourselves before sharing at a meeting. “Hello, My name is Dave and my life was ruled by my eating disorder. I am grateful that with the help of my higher power, I am recovering from the disease of compulsive overeating one day at a time.”

Questions for journaling and contemplation.