The Fourth Step
Part 3 - Updated

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Defects of Character

The Big Book uses the terms “defects of character” and “shortcomings.” Those were the terms of common language and everyday speak, 50 and 60 years ago. Many 12-Steppers have come to use the term “character defect” as part of their common recovery vocabulary. When I first got into Twelve Step recovery and did my first Fourth Step, I was emotionally very fragile, extremely depressed, hypersensitive, and filled with self-contempt. When I heard the words “character defect” and “shortcoming” I turned them into something closer to, “See Dave, you are a defective person and a horrible character to boot—you just never measure up.” I used that old terminology to validate and accentuate the negative and overlook and discard the positive—to beat myself up and multiply my feelings of shame. I felt like one big character defect. I was really stuck for a few weeks in a depressive pattern of self-hatred and self-abuse that I had falsely justified by misinterpreting the intentions of the Big Book. Finally I mustered the courage to ask a more experienced person for advice and help and a great weight was lifted.

So just what are these defects of character Bill Wilson spoke of in the Big Book and that have become common language in most 12 Step programs? They are mistaken beliefs, self-defeating behaviors, automatic and irrational thoughts and reactions, inappropriate coping mechanisms, and things that we do that get in the way of our own recovery, personal growth, and serenity—self-sabotage.

Oftentimes these mistaken beliefs and irrational reactions have their roots in our earliest life experiences. We grew up believing that these traits, thoughts, and feelings represent the truth about ourselves, the motives of others, and life in general. Often, our parents practiced those same coping mechanisms or held these same beliefs. In truly abusive situations we might have developed adaptive coping mechanisms to survive the abuse, but these coping mechanisms turn into self-defeating behaviors when we grew up. They no longer serve the same function, but we cannot let them go because we believe them to still be necessary and true.

Sometimes “defects of character” develop over time as our disease progresses. Generally, these are coping mechanisms based on justifying our compulsive behavior or are the results of “denial.” Remember from Step One that denial is a defense mechanism that includes a broad range of psychological maneuvers designed to reduce awareness of the fact that compulsive overeating is the cause of our problems rather than the solution to those problems. Denial is an integral part of our disease process, an obstacle to recovery, and a big factor in relapse events. Denial is a form of self-deception that is not necessarily a conscious process. It is the cunning, baffling, and powerful part of an eating disorder that tells us that we don’t have a problem or that distorts the reality surrounding our problems.

Everyone has some mistaken beliefs about themselves and life. Everyone has some less than effective automatic coping behaviors. Everyone has peculiarities and idiosyncrasies that might seem silly or even sick to someone else. Most people have some unresolved resentments or anger that they have repressed—some feelings they try to avoid feeling. For the average person without an eating disorder these “defects of character” don’t get in the way of leading a fairly functional and happy life. But for those of us with eating disorders, they can be the very root of why we continue to binge or abuse ourselves with food.

Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” While I am not sure I believe fully in this familiar quotation, I do know that for those of us with eating disorders, ignorance about ourselves is not bliss. I found that the Fourth Step was an indispensable component in my pathway from being a deeply depressed and hopeless person to becoming a person who is grateful to be alive and looks foreword to getting up in the morning. When we are able to honestly look at ourselves, our patterns, our thinking, and our reactions, we can finally begin to honestly heal on an emotional and spiritual level. So much of my depression, unhappiness, and fearfulness was based on mistaken beliefs. Beliefs that until I did my Fourth Step, it would have never occurred to me to challenge. I had no way of seeing the necessity of this Step—this honest introspection—until I was already in the process of doing it.

Liabilities

Liabilities are those things that might hold us back and put our recovery at risk. We all have people, places, and things that could be said to be liabilities to our recovery. Perhaps a favorite bakery that we frequented on the way to work or a person whose relationship revolves completely around fulfilling our desires to binge. Sometimes interactions with certain people (often family members) are almost certain to trigger emotions and old memories that always send us to the refrigerator. Making a careful list of these external liabilities can prove highly valuable. In our early recovery it may pay to walk the extra block to avoid that bakery on the way to work every day. It may pay to avoid certain people for a time, but these people will eventually need to be faced. Perhaps a relationship needs to be healed or a healthy end put to it. Writing a list of these recovery liabilities helps get us in touch with actions we may need to take right now to protect our recovery. It also may help point out growth-work that may need to be done in the future.

Spiritual principles

While doing this Step, we will be putting all of the spiritual principles that we began to practice in the first three Steps to work. It takes a great deal of Willingness to persevere and complete a Fourth Step. Rigorous Honesty is also required. With every incident we write down we must ask ourselves with all sincerity, is this entirely true and is it complete. We will need to muster all of our Faith and Trust in this program of recovery and our higher power. It is this Faith and Trust that gives us the Courage to be Honest and search for the truth about ourselves—to be able to face and walk through our fears—to be able to reach out and ask our sponsors or even professionals for advice and support—to free the shackles that bind us to our compulsive behaviors.

Questions for journaling and contemplation.