The Fourth Step
Part 4 - Updated

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

My name is Dave, and I am a grateful member of Overeaters Anonymous. When I first came to the 12-Steps I was certain that if anyone ever really knew who I was inside, that they would dislike me and reject me. I felt that the very core of who I was, was in some way defective and even disgusting. Protecting this false sense of myself was behind just about everything I did and said. I felt that I had to constantly hide the real me. I felt a constant sense of shame at the core of my being. I felt fear that if I should ever falter and let my guard down, someone might catch a glimpse of the “real” me, and that would literally be worse than death.

I don’t have to live that way any more. I cannot say the 12 Steps cured my every emotional ill but they opened the doors that made a tremendous amount of healing possible. Without the Steps and the support of my recovering friends I probably would have never reached out to get the help. I wouldn't have moved beyond the barriers of guilt, shame, and fear that bound me to my addictions and depression. I use to “know” deep down inside that no one—NO ONE—could really understand my pain or where I was coming from. Nowadays, I have found that many people can personally relate to my fears and feelings to at least some degree. Others are perfectly willing to listen with an open mind in a most nonjudgmental way. I can be a vulnerable, fragile, and even a broken or flawed human being and it’s not the end of the world. For me, acknowledging that,  was the beginning.

Secrets

An old recovery saying goes, “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Our secrets keep us sick and stuck and they are usually difficult to write about. Yet, they are one of the most common liabilities to our recovery. Keep in mind that we are all limited and fallible human beings who are busy being human. We make mistakes, sometimes devastating mistakes, but so does everyone else. We are loveable and forgivable beings. Part of working a 4th Step might be writing out a “secrets list.” What are the things that you just don’t tell anyone? What are the skeletons in your closet?

Shame and Guilt

There is a difference between Guilt and Shame and both feelings come in healthy and unhealthy forms.

In the healthier form, guilt can lead us to make amends where they are due and to take other corrective actions. It motivates us to live by a set of values or morals. It is the emotional core of our conscience. Shame is a healthy sense of modesty that allows us to develop appropriate healthy personal boundaries. It can make us blush when we burp at the dinner table and feel embarrassed when we fart in church. Uncomfortable, yes—but it’s a physical manifestation of emotional energy just like laughter or tears. It is real. It is spontaneous, and it is natural.

A guilty person says, “I feel guilty for something I have done.” “I feel sorry about my behavior.” The person’s value system is reaffirmed and the possibility of repair becomes evident. The person becomes open to growth and change by making an amends and not repeating that behavior. But situations that ordinarily cause feelings of guilt in people that are fairly healthy emotionally and spiritually often cause feelings of unhealthy or “toxic” shame in people with eating disorders. This toxic shame can be profound and debilitating. Upon making a mistake a person with unhealthy or toxic shame says, “I feel guilty for what I am.” “I am unworthy.” The possibility of healing and repair seems nil to the shame-based person because they use the situation to fortify their negative self-image. They feel any attempt to change, fix, or grow from the situation would be a lesson only in futility. It is a matter of identity to them not a lapse in judgment or a simple mistake. When the shame-based person makes a mistake they are sure it is because they are defective or just plain not good enough. Another way to look at it is that they personalize the feelings of guilt so that the pain is all about them—or “self.”

Step Four helps us move from a shame-based system to a system of accepting and loving ourselves as fallible human beings. The roles of guilt and shame get put back into their proper functions so we can move on and start living an authentic life. We are clearing the things that block us from seeing clearly our higher power's will.

Fear

Underneath most of the things I wrote about in my first couple of Fourth Steps was Fear. Once I began to honestly evaluate the various resentments and relationship problems I was writing about, I began to see a pattern. I was a terribly insecure person inside who tried to project the image of a strong secure stoic guy that really didn’t need anybody. Inside, a little scared boy—outside, a Clint Eastwood wannabe. I had built a protective wall or facade around my self so no one could get in and hurt me. The other side of that coin was that no one could get in and help me or meet my needs for true bonding, trust, or intimacy.

I had several grudges against people who I was sure had treated me rotten in various personal relationships. Under most of those grudges, when I properly inventoried my part in the situations, I had been far too demanding of the people I was angry with. I had driven them away by demanding that they make me feel secure. For instance, I had a longtime resentment against a former employer who I was sure I had given my all to for many years. Upon honest evaluation, I realized I had demanded from them a level of security no employer in their right mind would offer. I wanted this employer to be more like a parent than a businessperson. I had held onto the resentment for years after they passed away because one day after I had quit in a temper tantrum for the umpteenth time, they refused to hire me back. Who could really blame them? I was young, full of myself, demanding, would not listen and learn, on drugs, and very immature. This same dynamic was at the root of grudge after grudge. What I learned was that I had a tendency to make unreasonable demands on people. Even if they had wanted to help me, I made it impossible for them to do it. When they didn’t live up to my expectations (and no one could for long) they naturally rebelled and I blamed them.

The AA 12 & 12 talks about this very issue, "The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands.”

Resentments & Anger

In my Fourth Steps I usually start with a list of grudges or resentments just like the Big Book suggests. There is a saying around recovery circles that says resentments are like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Basically, resentments are repressed anger and unfinished business. They often stem from misunderstandings, but they can also stem from envy and jealousy. Either way, we have decided to hold onto the past instead of dealing with it and letting it go.

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. Anger is a natural human emotion and is nature's way of empowering us to "ward off" an attack or threat to our well-being. The problem is not anger, the problem is the way in which we manage our anger. Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn't used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through. Expressing anger for the sake of emotional release or catharsis is not always a healthy or helpful coarse of action and sometimes precipitates more anger. What is required is a solution that will change our perception of being attacked, wronged, or threatened. Resentments occur when our sense of being wronged or cheated remains. There was no solution. When we hold onto resentments we are living in the past.

Many of us grew up associating anger with violence and abuse to the point that we cannot separate them. We become afraid of anger and situations that might expose us to anger—even our own anger. We hate confrontation because we are afraid of the possible consequences. So instead of confronting and dealing with issues, we have learned to avoid them by hiding, ignoring, or stuffing our anger. Many times this is the start of a seething resentment. When you resent someone, you are saying that the other person is the problem, the cause and the fault. Not you. Sometimes this seems easier than having to look at ourselves, our part in the situation, or the fears that kept us from effectively dealing with the issue in the first place. Resentments are a source of inner stress and constant tension. Some of us turn the anger and resentments back toward ourselves and this can cause serious depression, self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, and in some cases Self-Inflicted Violence. Resentments can also manifest as binges, fatigue, tension, headaches, physical illnesses, passive aggressive and manipulative behaviors, and huge amounts of self-pity. Many professionals believe that they are the single biggest factor in the relapse events of chemically dependent people. Letting go of a resentment is not for the benefit of the other person. It's for you. The Steps help us in this letting go. Practicing the principles of the Steps in all our affairs helps us learn how to face and effectively deal with these situations in a healthy and constructive way.

Our worst wrongs

Some of the worst wrongs we may have done are wrongs we have done to ourselves. When you do your Fourth Step don’t forget to list the wrongs you may have done to yourself. Did you tell yourself constantly that it was not ok to be you or that you were just no damn good? Did you hand over your rights to think and act for yourself to another person? Did you “hate your self” because of your eating disorder/weight/binging? In what ways have you treated yourself worse than you would treat a friend who was going through the same situations? Not accepting, loving, nurturing and cherishing ourselves may be something we need to forgive ourselves for. We can practice doing those things starting now as a way of making amends.

Bill Wilson writes in the AA Twelve and Twelve, “When A.A. suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every newcomer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Every time he tries to look within himself, Pride says, ‘You need not pass this way,’ and Fear says, ‘You dare not look!’

But pride and fear of this sort turn out to be bogymen, nothing else. Once we have a complete willingness to take inventory, and exert ourselves to do the job thoroughly, a wonderful light falls upon this foggy scene. As we persist, a brand-new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable.”

Questions for journaling and contemplation.

1. Why is the Fourth Step so important?

2. What do you expect the Fourth Step will do for you and your recovery?

3. When will you start on your Fourth Step and how are you going to do it?