The Fifth Step
Part 1 - Updated

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

My name is Dave, and I am recovering from Binge Eating Disorder. Please keep in mind that what I share is only my opinion based on my personal experience. I do not represent or speak for O.A., this support group, or any other organization.

There is an old saying around recovery circles that goes, “You can't think yourself into a new way of acting but you can act yourself into a new way of thinking.” This simple logic pervades the 12-Step recovery process and our whole program of recovery. I am sometimes surprised it is not written as a subtitle on the cover of the Big Book. The Steps are a suggested sequence of specific actions that are devised to induce a spiritual awakening, or put more simply, “a new way of thinking.”

Our success with each Step, each action, rests upon our honesty and thoroughness with the preceding Step and suggested action. Each Step is a foundation for the next Step. We build our new life one step at a time. This cannot happen in isolation. Step Five requires the “face to face” involvement of “another human being.” On page 59 of the Big Book right before the Steps it says, “Half measures availed us nothing.” It does not say half measures availed us partial results. A couple of paragraphs before that, in regards to working the Steps it says, “At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.”

Each of the previous four Steps are designed to resolve a particular problem or issue, that if left unresolved, prevents the Fifth Step from doing its job. If we still have doubts about having a compulsive overeating disorder and don’t really quite believe that it has affected all areas of our lives after working the First Step, then honestly sharing our inventory will very likely only lead us to overeat. If we don’t really believe that with the help and guidance of some power greater than ourselves our compulsions can be lifted and our distorted thinking cleared up, we may not have the trust, honesty, and willingness to share our entire inventory with another human being. If we only played around the margins with our Third Step decision it’s likely we still believe we can work this program all by ourselves. Basically, if we were not thorough and honest in the first three Steps we will not have acquired the proper ego state and self-honesty required to do a proper Fourth Step. We will be fooling ourselves much as we did at the start of each new diet before coming to the program. This process does require a certain leveling of pride and type of humility that will spur us to go to ANY length necessary for our recovery. Without that, it is better to go back to square one, Step One, than to continue on with half measures, self-delusion, or outright lies. This does not mean we have to work a perfect program or that we need perfect honesty. It means we honestly do the very best we can at the time.

Overview

Traditionally, we sit in a quiet room, face to face with our sponsor or other individual who is well experienced with the Steps and openly share with them what we have discovered about ourselves through our Fourth Step work. They do not judge us but may share personal stories about their recovery that will give us additional insights into our own situations. Some people do all the admitting and sharing (higher power, ourselves, and another human being) in a single process. Others find a very personal way to share it with their chosen higher power before meeting with the human being they share their Fifth Step with.

I find it difficult to write a concise description of this Steps purpose. For me it was a true consciousness changing life-affirming breakthrough. It was the first time in my life that I had ever been able to honestly share who I really was on the deepest level with another human being. It was the beginning of the end of a life of feeling somehow different than, and isolated from everyone else, even when I was in the middle of a crowd. It was the point where I finally began feeling a growing sense of truly belonging to the human race. It may well have been the first time I felt true acceptance and honest compassion for myself. When I think of my experience with my first Fifth Step I remember the results more than the process. It seemed less like something I did than something that happened to me. Perhaps by the end of the month I will find some words that can make more sense of this Step.

Why we need Step Five

We are seeking to change and heal ourselves on a very deep, life changing level. It could be said that we are trying to heal the primary relationship we have with our selves. We want to discover the things inside of us that keep us bound to our compulsive behavior, deal with those things, and release them. The best way to begin this process of release is by opening our mouths and getting this stuff out.

It says in the Big Book, that people who tried to avoid the Fifth Step invariably relapsed. They say this is because we hadn’t finished our “housecleaning.” “They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock.” So the best reason to do this Step is to overcome our compulsive eating. Without this honest sharing of our inventory with another person, we cannot be sure our perspective on certain issues still isn’t clouded by denial, our ego, or low self-esteem. Remember, our very best thinking got us to the very depths of our disease. Until we do a Fifth Step, the Fourth Step is still nothing but our very best thinking. Sure, we have removed many barriers of denial with the insights we have gained so far, but we are not healed. It all boils down to this: We realize the seriousness of our illness and we are attempting to learn a new way of life whereby our eating disorder no longer controls us. We work ALL of the Twelve Steps because our life depends upon it.

Who to share our Fifth Step with

It is imperative that we choose with great care who we share this most intimate and confidential Step with. The most important qualification is that they be experienced not only with the Twelve Steps in a general way, but that they understand the nature and purpose of the Fifth Step. Experienced program sponsors, clergy, and professional therapists and counselors, can be good sources ‘IF’ they understand the program and the Steps. Sponsors should only sponsor up to the point of their own experience. If they have not done their own Fifth Step, they are not ready to receive one. Word of mouth references to locate the right person to hear a Fifth Step can be very helpful. This way you will have a good idea that this person understands the process, and if they are a clergy member or professional helper, that they have some experience and training on the Fifth Step. A Fifth Step is not a religious confessional or psychological therapy, though it shares some elements of both.

One of the very few “rules” in the Big Book is that we cannot disclose anything to the person we share our Fifth Step with that might hurt them. A spouse, family member, or close friend might initially seem the easiest to talk to, but this can be a real mistake. We may feel a need to hold back some facts to protect them thus turning our efforts into a half-measure. They may just be so close to us that their perspective on issues parallels our own. In this case they are unable to offer the useful feedback a more detached person might give. Well-meaning friends may at times tell us what we want to hear, rather than what we need to hear and this largely defeats a Fifth Step. Stories of confidential information coming back to haunt us long after we shared it are not uncommon in family situations. Sometimes spouses and other family members in an effort to fix us will share confidences with other family members or friends with all the best of intentions, but this can have unpredictable results that often destroy trust and relationships. Relationships can and often do change over time. I recommend not giving or taking a Fifth Step with those who you are very close to emotionally. This includes family members, lovers, or close personal friends. Even our favorite sponsors some times can become so close to us that we may be better served by asking someone else’s sponsor to help us with this step.

When to do the Fifth Step

The Fifth Step should be done as soon as possible after your Fourth Step is completed. After doing our inventory we may be left with unresolved feelings and emotions. We may have dredged up some past hurts or identified what we perceive to be a set of personal failings that fills us with shame or guilt. We don’t want to sit and stew in these feelings. We need help to move through them in a healthy and constructive way. That is what the Fifth Step is for. Many people make an appointment to share their Fifth Step before they are completely finished with their inventory work so as to minimize the time between the Fourth and Fifth Steps. They also find the deadline helps them not drag on too long with their Fourth Step.

Questions for journaling and contemplation.