The Fifth Step
Part 2 - Updated

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

My name is Dave, and I am a grateful member of Overeaters Anonymous. I recently received my new copy of the book “Overeaters Anonymous” Second Edition, fresh off the printing press. The first chapter is called “Our Invitation to You.” On page one it says, “…there is a proven, workable method by which we can arrest our illness.” And on page two it goes on to say that if you are willing to do certain things you to can join the ranks of those who recover. Those things are:

• Honestly face the truth about yourself and the illness.
• Keep coming back to meetings so you can talk and listen to other people who are working at recovery from a compulsive overeating or binge eating disorder.
• Read O.A and A.A. literature with an open mind.
• Be willing to rely on a power greater than yourself for direction.
• Take the Twelve Steps to the best of your ability.

On page three it says, “As a result of practicing the Steps, the symptom of compulsive overeating is removed on a daily basis.” Then on page four it says all this need only be done on the twenty-four hour plan—one day at a time—“Just for today”. On page five it says, ”If, after reading this book, you decide you are one of us, we welcome you with open arms. You are not alone any more!”

My first Fifth Step

In my early recovery from chemical dependency I had not yet come to be comfortable with the concept of or even the sound of the word “God”. I had started recovery by just using my support group for a higher power. By the time of my Fifth Step, I had added "the power of Love" and Mother Nature to my definition of a personal higher and helping power. At first I couldn’t figure out how to share my Fourth Step work with a God I didn’t yet believe in, nor could I reconcile reading it to a tree or the essence of a feeling or emotion (love) that I really didn’t understand.

I felt quite isolated from people in general. Even in 12 Step meetings I never felt that I really connected, though I did feel a lot of acceptance and love there. One evening while I was contemplating this dilemma at home it came to me that my old dog “Taco” represented the most loving and natural thing in my life. For me, at that time, she came closest to anything I could think of in representing a higher power that I could admit something to.

For the first part of my Fifth Step, I sat in my bedroom one evening when no one else was in the house and read my Fourth Step journal aloud to her. This turned out to be harder than I had thought. There were certain secrets, as of that time, that I simply couldn't share with anyone including my therapist. This was the first time in my life that I spoke about—verbalized—those parts of my life that I felt so ashamed of. I felt that no one would understand and would be so repulsed by my innermost secrets that all would hate and shun me. I lived in constant fear that the truth ever be exposed. But finally speaking them aloud—even if only to my dog, put a new perspective on the story. Some things came out extemporaneously that were not written down, and vocalizing the words that first time somehow paved the way for further insights and more sharing. It was like clearing a trail in the woods, after it gets used a few times it gets wider and easier to walk through.

I then spent a few days contemplating my Fourth Step, writing down more of what came out that evening when I shared it out loud with Taco. This was more than just a reading my Fourth Step back to myself but an attempt to see things from various perspectives and deepen my insights. Mostly, I was rehearsing for the "big one" where I'd actually find the courage to share it with another human being.

I was going to weekly therapy sessions at that time for my depression. My therapist was very familiar with the 12 Steps. The next time I went to see her, I explained where I was at in my recovery and my Fifth Step. I told her how I’d shared it with my dog, and what I'd been doing the last few days. We set up an appointment at the end of the next day so we could spend extra time to finish my Fifth Step if needed, as I would be the last client. The next afternoon I read her the relevant portions of my Fourth Step journal and she listened quietly. Afterward she thanked me for sharing with her and gave me some very good insights into some of the things I was beating myself up over.

About the things that I had never shared with anyone before—the things I felt so much shame about that I'd almost rather die than share, she said, "Dave, you did what you did to survive. No child should ever have had to go through that". And she pointed out to me that I was only a child when those things happened, not an adult with an adult’s power and independence. In my mind I had never made that simple distinction. I had been viewing my childhood traumas as though I had the facilities of an adult when they happened. In effect I now had a much more honest perspective to judge myself on and learn to forgive, understand, and accept myself. None of that would have happened if I didn't have the framework of the 12 Steps to begin to explore my assets and liabilities with. It took quite a bit more therapy to deal with several related issues but this Single Step called the Fifth Step really opened some important doors. It was by far the single most significant event in all of my recovery efforts in removing my compulsion to drink and use drugs.

After sharing my Fifth Step I felt a tremendous sense of relief. Getting all the secrets and feelings out, and finding out that it did not kill me, gave me a real feeling of being connected to the human race. I “saw” and felt a sense of interdependence I had never known. I realized my very humanness and how all my fears, failures, mistakes and secrets actually made me more human. It reinforced my humanity. I experienced first hand the fact that secrets need to see the light of day before the pain can begin to heal. That day I lost the need to hide my real self. The “life or death” fears that I had about being vulnerable and exposing my self—my secrets—was transformed into a healthy caution. I no longer had to expend so much energy projecting a false self. A false self that was imprisoned by a wall of fear that someone might glimpse past the facade. For me this was a tremendous step toward self-acceptance and the integration of all my parts—the abused little boy, the alcoholic and addict who had a chronic mental illness, the core of my being that was perfect to begin with, the flawed adult who made some really serious mistakes, my successes and positive attributes, and the adult who had a potential for healing and growth who was worthy of love.

The Fifth Step was also a huge reaffirmation for me of my growing faith. In the beginning, I was way past scared to do this Step. Terrified and defiant would better describe my initial response to this step. But like all the Steps, it was more a matter of getting started and then letting the process unfold before me. After taking my Fifth Step, I lost any remaining doubts I may have had about A.A. and the ability of the Steps to work for anyone who was willing. My hopefulness had been transformed into a solid faith in the Program and an increased faith in my higher and helping power. I began feeling a deep sense of gratitude that led me to volunteer to take a turn at being secretary for my home group. That service position greatly added to increased self-confidence and an even greater sense of belonging and “o.k.ness.”

Questions for journaling and contemplation.